Case File: The Slaughterhouse

Quote from Candy Kane on 1 June 2024, 22:55https://www.weareosw.co.uk/case-file-the-slaughterhouse
Hey there, Gray here! Finally got a second and fixed the formatting on the promo for this one that clashed from the transition of format. Candy's a bit different than how I've been writing Yellow Python, curious to see what y'all think!
Hey there, Gray here! Finally got a second and fixed the formatting on the promo for this one that clashed from the transition of format. Candy's a bit different than how I've been writing Yellow Python, curious to see what y'all think!

Quote from Zeus on 2 June 2024, 22:35I really like her voice, which I think shrone through really well in this promo. For me, the idea probably wasn't the best. If you can get the right ideas with that voice, you'll be in a really good place, in my opinion.
A lot of the time people struggle with voice and have the concepts, but you've already got that part down. Focus on the ideas and you'll be onto a winner. It should help once she's in angles, I think.
I really like her voice, which I think shrone through really well in this promo. For me, the idea probably wasn't the best. If you can get the right ideas with that voice, you'll be in a really good place, in my opinion.
A lot of the time people struggle with voice and have the concepts, but you've already got that part down. Focus on the ideas and you'll be onto a winner. It should help once she's in angles, I think.

Quote from El Mariachi Muerte on 8 June 2024, 02:28Sorry for the delay, I've had a few things on.
I like the voice and think you really nail the way the character comes across. It's more than just adding in some words like bulls and broads here and there, there's an arrogance implied in the writing that is really well done.
I think the overall piece lacked some direction though. I'm not 100% sure what the climax of the piece was or where it was leading at times. Sometimes beginning the writing with the end point and working back from there could help with that a little.
Some parts were grammatically a bit clunky, especially this paragraph here...
While the law had been thinking it was some crook that had been burning here for awhile, I knew better. While the place was stained with blood, none of the parts had any congealed.
That's more my own personal preference than anything, there may have been better ways of phrasing that.
All in all, this character definitely drips with possibilities. I think if you can really nail a direction in your work, you'll absolutely be onto something.
Sorry for the delay, I've had a few things on.
I like the voice and think you really nail the way the character comes across. It's more than just adding in some words like bulls and broads here and there, there's an arrogance implied in the writing that is really well done.
I think the overall piece lacked some direction though. I'm not 100% sure what the climax of the piece was or where it was leading at times. Sometimes beginning the writing with the end point and working back from there could help with that a little.
Some parts were grammatically a bit clunky, especially this paragraph here...
While the law had been thinking it was some crook that had been burning here for awhile, I knew better. While the place was stained with blood, none of the parts had any congealed.
That's more my own personal preference than anything, there may have been better ways of phrasing that.
All in all, this character definitely drips with possibilities. I think if you can really nail a direction in your work, you'll absolutely be onto something.