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The Story of Hana

I'm always down for feedback on my stuff so it's up and I'm curious how to improve

Hi..

Please don't take any of my criticism the wrong way... I really just want to help.

When I first joined OSW I was quite behind the curve. I think I lost around 11 matches in a row before I realized what I was doing wrong. It took help from Dean and Connor to turn things around, so I hope I can pay that forward.

You're a much better writer than I was when I came here. Your writing itself is great.

But to know who you were facing, even after I read your promo, I had to go look at the card. There's not one mention of Roland Gray either metaphorically or directly in your entire promo. His character is a former gunslinger from the wolves of arcadia and given your character, you'd have thought there was great potential for the promo. Wolf vs. Wolf, Alpha's versus Beta's, ect. But as I read your writing, however well it's written, I'm left wondering what it's about and how/why its relevant to your match or opponent. I can only assume she's Hana and the entire promo is about her.

There's just nothing in there that relates anything to your match this week and if there is, I missed it. As I learned the hard way, you need to study how other people write, look at the judging rubric and focus your efforts on writing in the style of OSW. This was an interesting promo that confused me a bit. I don't want to be disparaging in any way but if you write like this, much like I continued to write how I wanted and not how was successful, you'll lose every match. I did. I know first hand that to get into the OSW style, I had to listen to the advice I was given, read as many promos as I could, read every segment and every match to understand the characters I was facing. Only then could I write in a way that makes OSW tick.

I hope what I've said helps. I like your writing, so please don't think I'm being harsh. It just isn't how any promo is written in OSW and I've been in your shoes, doing exactly that, and it took me three months and a lot of help to figure it out. I hope what I've said and how earnestly and honestly I've said it will cut that time right down for you.

Zeus, El Mariachi Muerte and 3 other users have reacted to this post.
ZeusEl Mariachi MuerteKlaus WayRoland GrayWolf Fang Ayame

I’d second what was said above about match relevance. OSW, more so than many other places, really emphasizes the promo, not so much the “roleplay” that’s prevalent in a lot of other places. You have your wild characters with the crazy backstories and all that, but the promos themselves are directed at your opponent as the primary focus. This promo probably would’ve been better served as a CD than one for a show.

Also, I’d recommend doing a proofread before posting. There were a few issues with missing words, awkward sentence structure, etc. that stuck out as I read it (eg. “Her grows wide and inhuman”; “A Pair of glowing wolves eyes pierce the darkness of the moonlit night stepping forward is The Wolf.”). For the latter example, that could be rewritten effectively a number of different ways:

  • Fancy: “Through heavy blackness of the night forest, a glowing pair of wolf eyes menace forward, revealing Ayame.”
  • Simple: “The forest is dark, lit only by faint moonlight and a glowing pair of wolf eyes. Ayame comes into view.”

All said, the character concept is definitely a fit for OSW and once you get a handle on the promo style, I think she’ll be involved in some fun angles!

Wolf Fang Ayame has reacted to this post.
Wolf Fang Ayame