“Good insert time of day here, and welcome to cooking with Aurora! Today we’ve got a very special meal to prep, and I’d like to dedicate it to 3 very special pipsqueaks.”

“The first one is Anton Savor. Don’t you just hate it when someone takes a mundane, everyday task and turns it into their whole fucking personality? Now don’t get me wrong, I can understand making a living cooking, sometimes I just can’t be bothered with the whole rigamarole and want someone else to go to the effort for me… But Anton? It is his whole raison d’etre. It is all he works towards, all he thinks about, all he waffles on about, so we are starting with a waffle. And don’t worry, it will be cheap, not like dicks like him charging 100,000 credits for a flan smaller than my palm with some parsley on top.”

“Speaking of pretentious fucks who view their slightly different takes on something as art, hey again Narcissa! It’s me! Good to see nothing has changed with you, still ruining lives and devouring people whole with your Balenci-ussy. Presumably that means nothing will have changed in the ‘I get my ass regularly whipped by Aurora’ department. I mean, lets face it, we seem to have established a pattern here. In your honour, our second ingredient will be a cold, cold heart. Ice is kinda a shitty thing to add, so here’s a valentines cookie with blue food dye.”

“Our third chucklefuck of the day is The Burned Man. I mean, credit to the guy, he believes in truth in advertising. He’s still a bi-polar fucknugget though. One second he’s preaching calm and measured approached, the next he’s all “Rawr! Off-brand Hulk smash!” So, now we come to the cooking. Look, I’m not even gonna try to be subtle here. We aren’t looking to bake or to slow roast, we are gonna Joan D’arc this shit. If you take a picture of it, a rap metal band WILL want it to be their album cover. This will be a gender reveal party localised in a 3×3 inch space. If it isn’t a war crime, you’re doing it wrong.”

“And there we have it! What is ‘it’, I hear you ask? Why, it is a seared blue waffle! Now the meal is prepped, the best way to enjoy it is… Throw it in the goddamn bin. What, you didn’t think anything involving these knobbers was gonna be good, did you? Now, go to a burger van, get some nice, greasy meat in a toasted bun and enjoy 5 minutes of goddamn heaven. I mean, sure, constantly eating food like this will shave off a couple of years of your life, it isn’t risk free, but these years aren’t taken off of the prime of your life, they’re taken off of the period where you’re shitting yourself in a nursing home. Life just ain’t being lived unless there’s a wee bit of danger.”

“This has been Chef Aurora, and this was a message you can look up to.”