Most people fear death, for they do not understand it. To an extent, I am the same.

I have no clue what lies beyond that horizon. Heaven? Hell? Purgatory? Reincarnation? Time loop? Annihilation? I do not think of myself as an idiot, but not only do I not know, I wouldn’t even presume to fathom. The things we understand in life are through experiences that share a commonality with the things we understand.

None of us have experienced true death. Maybe you felt your life slipping away before you were saved. Maybe your heart stopped a moment. That is no substitute for the cessation of all the electrical impulses in your body, no parallel to all the cells in your body losing structure and becoming inert.

The funny thing… While I have that survival instinct, that fear of death in the moment and the urge to avoid it, on a philosophical level I don’t fear it at all. If anything, there’s something… Soothing about it. Sure, there is uncertainty in one’s “final journey”, but as soon as you reach that edge… Clarity. You either know “this is where I am now, this is my future”, you revert to a state of unknowing and unquestioning or you just… Don’t think any more. Some say death is ‘The Great Unknown’ or ‘The Final Frontier’, but it is but one mystery, with a foreseeable conclusion.

At first, I viewed my coming inevitable walk to the altar like a death row inmate, manacled and handcuffed, shuffling towards the chair with guards holding each arm. Ready to discover that new reality. Then I realised… What awaits me is much, much worse.

As much as I am loathe to admit it, I see no way it. The guards are holding my arm and they are clad in black, carrying me to my destination on wings of malice. And there, there lies my future. Derangement. Evil. A perversion of ‘love’. An obsession, a lust for what one has not had and does not comprehend, and all I am is a toy. A plaything. Dehumanised, stripped of all agency, dignity and autonomy.

This isn’t just one mystery. This is the true Great Unknown a descent into an incomprehensible abyss that is forever changing, forever imperceptible, forever killing me. Sure, my body will live for as long as they will it… But what of my spark? My sense of self? My soul? After that moment of helplessness, the enigma does not end. What tortures may be visited upon me? What hells must I endure? Which demons shall be my company? This… This scares me. Not one question, but an unending interrogation, unravelling all I have ever known.

I always thought my undoing would be my own recklessness. The record chasing, the thrill seeking, the adrenaline hunting… I was at peace with the knowledge that Aurora’s End would be by Aurora’s hand. I never envisaged I would be an innocent, blameless party in my own demise. I guess I won’t have to envisage.

I’m not a godly woman, but today I pray for my soul.