UPON THE RIVER I
Click.
Thunder.
Static covers the screen as a Play ► symbol appears in the bottom right-hand corner.
Slosh.
The sound of waves repeatedly splashing against the sound of a boat are enough to awaken Jackson Cade into an abrupt panic. As he sits bolt upright, he surveys the dark red sky with a sheer terror in his eyes.
And when he looks at Tombstone, who sits opposite him rowing, it gets worse.
“Where am I?” He demands to know.
Tombstone doesn’t respond.
“Tell me!” Cade shouts.
His raised voice is enough to startle Dr. Death, who was led alongside him and now awakens too. He sits up slower, groggy.
“What’s going on?” He questions, looking to Cade and then to Tombstone. “Where are we?”
He tries to stand but can’t. His legs are jelly.
Jackson tries too, only the boat rocks violently, knocking him back off his feet.
“We’re dead, aren’t we?” Death concludes, his intelligence coming to a reasonable conclusion. “The last thing I remember was our match.”
Cade’s face becomes pale.
“No,” he cries out. “I can’t be dead. I have so much to do.”
The boat continues its systematic and powerful journey across the river, sailed by the Ferryman who says nothing and looks only through the two terrified passengers.
To be continued…
Miss Murder and the Tycoon make their Death Row debuts here tonight.
The bell sounds as Dahlia rushes forward, surprising the older Tycoon with a flurry of lefts and rights before a leaping front dropkick sends Pym into the corner. The Tycoon tries to shake off the cobwebs but his head is drilled into the steel with a brutal running knee before Dahlia grabs him around the throat and begins to CHOKE HIM ALL UP!
Pym’s head slams against the turnbuckles a few times before he manages to power her away but Black rolls to her feet, rushing forward right into a brutal Lariat that turns her inside out! Black staggers to her feet into a few heavy rights hands before he lifts her up into the air, POWERBOMB. A SECOND TWIN PEAKS STYLE!
Black is down and out on the mat but Pym doesn’t cover, instead rushing to the ropes as he springboards off the middle rope, LEOSAULT…HITS KNEES! Black was ready for him as he staggers to his feet into a lethal roundhouse kick that drops him to the mat before she leaps into the air AND BUSTS HIS NUT WITH A DOUBLE FOOT STOMP TO THE GROIN!
Dahlia backs up a little, waiting for Pym to get to his feet before clocking him with another hard kick that rocks him, kissing him deeply before slipping an arm around his head, KISS OF…OVERDOSE! Pym reverses the STO into the Katahajime. Black trying to fight out of it but he’s too strong for her as she slowly but surely passes out cold.
Both competitors tried their best but Pym proved to be the superior fighter here tonight.
WINNER: RODERICK PYM
GOLDEN RULE
The Agora! Arcadia’s trading floor is alive with the hustle and bustle of traders and citizens as always. The scene creeps through the crowd, passing by multiple booths before coming to a colorful tent with a sign reading ‘Frank’s Fabrics’. Standing in front of it, smiling happily, is Felix Foley himself.
“Thanks for the new material,” Foley says with a smile. We can see the puppeteer working with needle and thread on what could only be a puppet. He fixes up a hole in the puppet’s jacket, giving it one more look over. “Happy Harry looks happy as ever! I’ve been trying to get my best friend to smile more and I figured I knew just the guy!”
Frank, the man behind the counter, just nods politely, counting the credits. “Always glad to help, Felix. Need anything else while you’re here today?”
“I’ve considered sewing my friend a new cloak! Do you have anything in a sciencey color? Like green? Oh! Is pink sciencey?”
WHAM!
FELIX JUST HAD HIS HEAD BOUNCED FACE FIRST OFF OF THE STALL!
THE BURNED MAN JUST BLINDSIDED HIM!
Foley lays in a heap, blood pouring from his nose as The Burned Man looms over him. “You think you can just take my son, Felix? I couldn’t get you last week but I have you now.” Maxwell kicks Felix, keeping him down.
“How about I take a page out of your book, Foley? The Golden Rule. Treat people the way you want to be treated.”
“It’s- It’s a good rule…” Felix speaks, clearly in shock at the attack.
“I thought you’d agree. You took something I love, I’ll take something you love.” Burned Man reaches out, snatching up the puppet and absconding into the crowd!
“HARRY!“
Felix tries to give chase but Maxwell is already long gone.
Cut.
C
Recorded Last Week
In the distance, there is a commotion, but a plume of sand covers what is happening. As the sand settles, we see a big building, dark and ominous, and in the middle of acres of nothing but sand.
We can see now that far ahead in the distance, small as can be and barely visible, is Grimskull, several of his men, and what looks to be two men from The Third Eye.
The camera draws back to find Vision, looking in the general direction. He can hear yells echoing across the sand. He must have followed Grimskull here when he took his two followers!
“What is it, before us?” he asks.
Next to him, a man dressed in a robe bearing Third Eye iconography, except this man still has eyes. He must be a new initiate, yet to take the vow.
“It’s Grimskull, he has two of our own, and he is leading them into a ginormous metal building.”
Vision listens. In the distance the door slams shut.
“If I know Grimskull – and I think I do – he will be busy for some time with our two brothers. We have time to amass some of our own kind, and bring them back here to rescue their peers.”
The other man agrees, both by nodding and with a low grunt.
“Let us get back, the others will be worried if we do not return soon”.
Cut.
fff
We have a prestigious champion vs. champion matchup here tonight as the NXT Level and Double Feature Champions go head to head. Who will come out on top to prove their title is the superior?
Both competitors rush forward, champions wanting to prove their superiority as they go hell for leather, laying into one another with stiff strikes that Jinx begins to get the better of. Jinx nails Gemini with a stiff knee to the jaw before rushing to the ropes, trying for the STS allready but Gemini manages to leap over it, springboarding off the ropes, UNLEASHED…NO!
Jinx manages to throw Gemini off, both champions rolling to their feet as they nod at one another, before rushing forward once more. Jinx trying for a roundhouse that Gemini ducks underneath, YANG! Massive Backstabber nearly cuts the NXT Level Champion in half from the sheer force as Nergal stalks the slowly rising Jinx, looking to show her the other side of that force but she’s not ready for Jinx to leap to her feet with a mammoth DDoS! Brutal Discus Elbow nearly cracks Gemini’s jaw in two!
Nergal is still on her feet though as Jinx lifts her up high and DOES THE DEAL with a brutal Falcon Arrow. The Fatal Error doesn’t cover though, heading up to the top rope to finish off the Double Feature Champion, ENCRYPTION…CANVAS! Nergal moves out of the way as Jinx slams down hard onto the mat, staggering to her feet into YING! The deadly Codebreaker nails Jinx with Venom but Gemini isn’t done as she backs up, looking for the killer shot.
Jinx slowly staggering to her feet as Gemini springboards off the ropes once more, UNLEASHED…ROUNDHOUSE! Nergal leaps right into a brutal kick to the jaw, Nergal slumping down to her knees as Jinx rushes to the ropes, bouncing off into the SWARM! Jinx swats away at the plague of insects blindly, not noticing Gemini rush to the ropes, springboarding off UNLEASHED! Third times’ the charm as that brutal Tornado DDT nearly crushes the NXT Level Champ’s skull, Nergal completely spent though as she collapses on top of Jinx for the cover and the one…two…three!!!
Gemini does it here, the Double Feature Champion besting the NXT Level champion in a brutal war for superiority here tonight.
WINNER: GEMINI
THE GOOD NURSE, II
In darkness, we find Nurse Frightengale.
When? Where? Doesn’t matter.
“I once was a symphony of life,” she starts. “My optimism knew no bounds. That was, until he found me.”
The transparent visage of Dr. Death dances around her.
“He took me,” she continues, “Not because he desired me, but because he believed that by controlling the Mariachi of Life, he could make himself invaluable to people. And in many ways, he did.”
The Luchadoc whips her, cuts her, abuses her, screaming wordlessly at her as La Mariachi Vida becomes Nurse Frightengale.
“Every time his medicine failed, he’d ask for a song. He left me chained up in his chambers, while his reputation and coffers grew,” she shares, tears glistening in her eyes. “But that was not the true horror of it.”
Her blood flooding the floor, Dr. Death stomps through a puddle to pull her close.
“I remember the night he decided he needed to know more,” she shivers. “He stared at me, his cold eyes filled with a perverse fascination. ‘What are you?’ he hissed, ‘What secret do you hold?’“
The apparition spills all its secrets to her tormentor.
“When he heard the word Mariachi, he was ecstatic,” Frightengale recounts, her face pale. “But that euphoria soon turned to horror. For he realized that controlling such power wasn’t as simple as chaining it.”
All turns to black.
“He had unlocked a power he couldn’t control,” Frightengale declares with a bitter smile. “And while he had broken me in many ways, his discovery of the Mariachi paled in comparison to the torment he’d put me through.”
Cut.
PEN TO PAPER
We find ourselves inside the headquarters of the Arcadian Censorship Authority, where Sebastian Boswick is examining a most curious item…the pen he picked up from Illumination Antiques.
The Chairman studies it close, his face almost showing a glimmer of fascination behind his more evident disgust for the item’s mere existence.
Boswick uncaps the pen, scribbling something down on a sheet of paper…when suddenly, he is interrupted by a commotion just outside his door. Sebastian peeks his head out into the hallway, where he sees Mr. Kleen dealing with a curiously unruly dustpan that smacks the Germaphobe upside the head.
Pondering what he just witness, Boswick retreats to his office, looking at the pen and the paper as he begins speaking to himself upon sitting back down at his desk.
“The oddest things have been happening since we returned from Lamplight’s shop,” mutters the Chairman, thinking out loud before giving a nod of self-agreement. “He’s the cause of this, I’m sure…but what of this pen?”
Boswick glances at what he scribbled down on the paper, recalling he wrote down something he found humorous at the time…the thought of Kleen dealing with precisely what Sebastian saw.
“An unruly dustpan,” states Sebastian, reading the words aloud before a thought flashes across his mind…and so, Boswick scribbles something else onto paper with a smirk.
“There’s a certain respect that comes with holding a championship in Olympus,” Sebastian says, chuckling as the words seem to flow onto the paper. “And with Gemini’s Double Feature Championship, I have a chance to enact the perfect censorship.”
Boswick is interrupted by another noise from the hall, forcing him away from the scribbles on the paper. We see “Sebastian Boswick VS Gemini, Double Feature Championship” scribbled, along with a note for “Hail to the King”…only for one other name to fade into existence alongside them.
Albert Lamplight.
Cut.
Destructo Boy enters the ring ready to fight, fire in his eyes as he stares down Arcadia’s resident Ghost.
IMPACT BREAKER! RUNNING CORKSCREW HEADBUTT! Destructo Boy comes out of the gate swinging and clobbers the Ghost! He swings wildly, nailing Attano with massive rights and lefts as Harold tries to defend himself! The Kid is relentless and nails Harold with blow after blow before heading straight to the turnbuckle!
JUSTICE GRENADE! 630 SENTON- NO! HAROLD WITH THE KNEES UP! Attano grabs Destructo Boy and forces him up into a Dragon Sleeper! Mr. Nobody fires away with knees to the back as he chokes the young hero out! Destructo Boy looks to be failing! But he fights hard! He flips over Attano!
Boy Wonder lands on his feet and nails Harold with a massive headbutt! Attano stumbles back and Destructo Boy hits the ropes before nailing a devastating dropkick! Mr. Nobody slowly rises as Destructo Boy goes for the springboard! AND LANDS RIGHT INTO A DISGUSTING FRONT DROPKICK BY ATTANO!
Harry grabs the hero and whips him into the turnbuckle before following up with a shining wizard! He grabs Destructo Boy and leaps with a Bulldog! He rises up and locks it in! CODE OF SILENCE! BULLDOG CHOKE! DESTRUCTO BOY FIGHTS FOR HIS LIFE! BUT HE HAS TO TAP! THE BOY WONDER TAPS!
Harold drops Destructo Boy, exhausted after the fight the young hero put up here tonight.
WINNER: HAROLD ATTANO
DEVELOPMENTS
We cut away from the ring to an undisclosed location within Arcadia. A darkened room, lit only with a reddish hue finds Colt Ramsey. He’s busy developing photos from the film of the camera broken last week.
A series of photos hangs, drying. Their hidden images slowly fading into view. Some shots take in the scene itself, the awaiting execution. But a series of photographs particularly captures Ramsey’s attention. Picture after picture fades into view, revealing faces of different people. Each wearing a cloak similar to the one Narcissa wore at the execution when she knocked the camera out of his hands.
Cloaked figure after cloaked figure, their identities on full display before him. He reaches, unpegging one of the photos and drawing it closer to inspect it.
“These must be members of the Uprising.” Colt muses aloud to himself.
He casts his eye over the series of photos. But he has no time to make any identifications, because moments later all hell breaks loose.
The door of his dwelling is blasted off its hinges, and several members of the Uprising storm into his darkroom.
“No!” Colt manages to utter a single word of his defiance before he’s blindsided and kicked to the ground. While several members of the Uprising continue to beat the holy hell out of Ramsey, others busy themselves pulling the developed photos from their hanging places.
The entire assault is over almost as soon as it had begun. Moment after they stormed his darkroom, the Uprising disappear into the night and leave Colt fading into unconsciousness. His photos, gone. His film, gone. Only Colt remains, a battered body and a broken camera are all that remains.
Cut.
It’s the ACA vs the Kingdom in a battle between Pauline Marjorie Studebaker and the Yellow Python!
PMS and The Serpent tie up in the middle of the ring, and Big Stu powerfully shoves Python away, sending him into the turnbuckles! PMS charges with a BIG BOOT — NO! The Serpent slithers out of the way, and PMS clutches her groin after colliding it into the turnbuckles! Ouch!
And she stumbles backwards right into a BACKSTABBER from the Serpent! He makes the cover!!! ONE!!! TWO!!! NOOOOO!!! A kick out from PMS, and right away, she’s back to her feet… And she. Is. PISSED. Python charges forward — right into a SIDEWALK SLAM!!! Python writhes around on the mat, and PMS drops an elbow for good measure!
Big Stu grabs Python by the wrist, places it firm on the ground, and STOMPS it! Christ, what a MEAN OLD BITCH!!! She does it again!!! The Serpent clutches his hand but finds himself pulled up by the waist. OVER THE SHOULDER BELLY-TO-BACK SUPLEX!!! SHE SPINS IT INTO A FUCKING BULLDOG!!! THE RED TIDE!!!!! PMS MAKES THE COVER!!! ONE!!! TWO!!!
…NOOOOO!!! Python kicks out just in the nick of time!!! PMS can’t believe it!!! She screams at the referee!!! SHE WANTS TO SPEAK TO HIS MANAGER, DAMN IT!!! But as the ref tries to explain he has no manager, the crowd stirs into a loud cheer. PMS turns around, the Serpent LEAPS FROM THE TOP ROPE!!! MISSILE DROPKICK TO THE HEAD!!! THE ANTI-DOTE!!! THE YELLOW PYTHON KILLED IT WITH FIRE!!! HE MAKES THE COVER!!! ONE!!! TWO!!!! THREEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The Yellow Python picks up a big victory over PMS in his in-ring debut! …but backstage, Mr. Kleen watches on a monitor. What’s he up to?
WINNER: THE YELLOW PYTHON
UPON THE RIVER II
Back on the boat.
As the journey continues, long and arduous, Dr. Death and Jackson Cade have yet to come to terms with their demise. It’s taking Jackson longer, and it’s clearly weighing on his mind.
“Can’t we talk?” He asks Tombstone.
The Ferryman tilts his head.
“Now you’d like to have a discussion?” He asks back, finally breaking his silence. “Do you know why you were locked inside The Mortuary? It was because the immortal Drewitt had upset the balance of existence. I tried to rectify that only to have my mentor nearly murdered.”
“You locked us in because Igor Mortis nearly died?” Cade asks in confusion.
“No,” Tombstone clarifies. “You were locked in because I was possessed by the souls of the damned. It was not my choice to keep either of your hostage, yet you made a choice to punish me in return and for what reason?”
He clicks his fingers, the OSW World Championship appearing on the boat between them all. It lays glistening against the light, a beacon of perfection.
“This?” He queries.
Dr. Death scoffs.
“My Championship,” he says, pointing to himself aggressively.
Cade shakes his head.
“Over my dead bod-,” he replies with a quick and abrupt stop, realizing what he’s said.
“So, what now?” Death enquires. “You’ve cleared the playing field to become World Champion? With us dead, you have free reign to take that Championship?”
Tombstone smiles.
“You’re a fucking joke,” Jackson angrily shouts at him. “Neither of you could beat me. You couldn’t stop me taking it, and you couldn’t take it from me.”
“I was going to take it back,” Death reminds him.
“You’re dead like I’m dead, hot shot,” Jackson retorts. “Is that how you want this to go down, Ferryman?”
Tombstone shrugs his shoulders.
The rowing becomes slower.
Until it stops.
“We have arrived,” he remarks, standing up and stepping out of the boat into the water. He grabs the boat and with incredibly strength begins heaving it onto the shore.
To be continued.
A classic battle of power versus speed is upon us, as Drewitt takes on Narcissa Balenciaga!
Narcissa charges at Drewitt, eager to catch the Explorer off guard…and gets sent flying courtesy of a Biel throw instead! Narcissa lands hard on the canvas as Drewitt approaches, keeping the Designer down with some hard stomps. Narcissa slowly gets to her feet, before being sent away toward the corner.
Now it’s Drewitt rushing in, connecting with a shoulder tackle in the corner that drops the Designer to the canvas…only for Narcissa to escape from the ring immediately. Drewitt leaves to ring to give chase…but Narcissa slides between the ropes, connecting with a DDT sending Drewitt down to the floor!
The Explorer gets rattled by the impact, giving Narcissa a much-needed opening as she brings Drewitt back to his feet before sending him back into the ring before sliding in after him…AND STARTS WALKING ON HIS BACK! WALKING THE–NO! Drewitt rises to a vertical base, dropping Narcissa to the canvas!
Drewitt grunts with frustration as he gets to his feet, just in time to go for a chokeslam on the Designer! ARDUOUS–NO! Narcissa manages to break out just in time, before hitting a jumping spin kick on the Explorer! HIGH FASHION! Drewitt drops as Narcissa covers him! ONE! TWO! THREE!
Despite his best effort, Drewitt falls as Narcissa picks up the win!
WINNER: NARCISSA BALENCIAGA
THE RETURN OF ZEUS
Cold Open.
The middle of the ring. The fans are on their feet here inside Olympus, showing some love and respect for the man who created it all, Zeus.
His adoring public chant his name as he retrieves a microphone and retakes centre stage in the middle.
“The last near six months have been hell,” he says sternly, his eyes focused on the camera. “And I know you’ve all heard that I know who is responsible for my capture.”
He stops for a moment.
“The thing is… “
The crowd cheers.
“I can’t tell you.”
Those cheers die down into a confused silence.
“The situation is a complicated and complex one. The person who kidnapped me is the leader of the Uprising. That person slayed Ares men in my own home and took me hostage. But that person… that person was dear to me.”
That causes further confusion and murmuring in the crowd.
“And I know I need to resolve this. I know that person needs to be punished. I know what I must do and at Hail to the King, I’m going to get us moving in the right direction. Many people have been killed because of the Uprising. They spread propaganda about your Baron, and they want me dead.”
The crowd boo that idea.
“But I will not die.”
The crowd roars.
“The Uprising will end at Red Snow!” He proclaims powerfully, his voice a thunderous boom. “Only then will this finally be over.”
He nods.
HELP
Backstage in Olympus, Vision walks, heading towards the ring for his match, which is up next. He stops.
“What is it you want?” Vision asks, to nobody in particular. Until Jinx steps out of the shadows.
“I need your help,” she states, matter-of-factly, walking up behind him.
Vision turns to face her.
“Go ahead?”
“My brother, he was killed by Luther Grim in a hunt. Grim let slip that Tommy knew what he was getting himself in for, but he won’t tell me anything else.”
“And how is it that I can help?” Vision asks.
“I know of the Third Eye,” Jinx replies. “I have heard that you are granted visions, as payment for losing your physical sight. I need to ask if you could have a vision of what happened to Tommy.”
She pleads with Vision with more than just her words, for all the use it is.
“I have had no such visions of Tommy,” Vision responds. “And I don’t choose what I see, what I see is divine.”
He places a hand on Jinx’s shoulder.
“I cannot do as you ask, but I will meditate and pray for you and your brother. I hope that will give you some comfort.”
Jinx looks disappointed as Vision turns away.
“I’ll retreat to the Altar after my match.”
Cut.
Vision may be blind, but even he can see the fire burning within of The Burned Man.
The match is underway and The Burned Man takes the fight immediately to Vision! He boxes the Awoken One into the corner with a combination of strikes before slamming him with an uppercut! Vision is rocked by fires back with a lariat- THAT MAXWELL DUCKS! BACKDRAFT! SPINNING BACK ELBOW!
Burned Man grabs Vision and whips him into the ropes before catching him with clothesline! NO! IRON STRIKE! ELBOW TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL! Maxwell is rocked and Vision follows up with a kick to the knee! AND ONE FLEW OVER! THROWBACK TO BURNED MAN DOWNS HIM!
The Awoken stomps away at Burned Man but The Mummy catches a kick! He nails a dragon whip that throws Vision to the ground! The Third Eye tries to rise but catches a knee trembler to the temple! He rises to the top rope! AND LEAPS! FIRE FROM THE GODS! ELBOW DROP TO VISION!
The Sole Survivor doesn’t cover and forces Vision back to his feet! He nails a headbutt before laying into Vision with a plethora of blows! Vision fires back! BLIND FURY! VISION UNLEASHES A BARRAGE OF STRIKES! A FINAL LEAPING KNEE AND BURNED MAN HITS THE GROUND! VISION COVERS! One! Two! Three!
Vision stands tall, able to temporarily snuff out the Burned Man’s flame tonight!
WINNER: VISION
MOTHER MOTHER
Deep within the confines of the Doom Factory we find a trail of busted machinery and broken beakers littering the floor. Following the path we quickly come across the source.
Destructo Boy.
Arcadia’s Boy Wonder searches through the shelves and tables, picking through piles of notes before his eyes become set on a computer at the far end of the lab. He approaches it, stopping in his tracks as the sound of whirring drones echo out behind him.
“What do you think you’re doing?” The voice of Doom forces Destructo Boy to turn around, seeing Doom standing on a balcony high above him. “It’s not often I have a captive come back so willingly.”
Faith sneers, squaring up to fight. “You know why I’m here, Doom.”
“Do I?” Doom asks, chuckling.
“Don’t play dumb. When my father and I were in the Underworld we met my mother there. I need to find out why she ended up there, and I think we both know you know why.”
The doctor leans over his balcony, brow furrowed behind his mask as he stares Destructo Boy down. “You’re a fool, boy. A young, misguided fool for coming back here. But while you’re here, how about we get you back to your cage.”
THE DRONES RUSH DOWN DESTRUCTO BOY!
The Boy Wonder grabs a glass beaker and chucks it at one of the drones! Acid corrodes through the drone and causes it to crash into the others! Faith hastily grabs a hard drive from the computer and makes his escape!
Doom, meanwhile, hovers down from the balcony, being all too slow to catch Destructo Boy as he flees, his ill-gotten gains in his possession.
Cut.
The ACA aims to continue the censorship of Albert Lamplight as Mr. Kleen has been tasked with getting the seller of needful things to Kleen up his Act.
The bell rings and we are off to the races as the Most Hygienic Luchador rushes the Salesman hitting a straight Dropkicking The Illuminator. But it only staggers Albert as he’s able to turn it into a glancing blow by sidestepping. This allows Lamplight to fake a clothesline causing The ACA member to duck.
And Albert seizes the opportunity created by the fake out locking in the WHOLESALE STRETCH – Crossface Chicken Wing! But Kleen is able to spring off the middle turnbuckle to flip out of the grip and over the head of The Salesman while grabbing his Mop at the same time.
*CRACK!* Mop handle to the back of the head sends Albert to the canvas. Kleen continues to work The Illuminator over beating him with the MOP OF JUSTICE repeatedly. Kleen caps off this beating by wrapping the Mop around the throat of Lamplight pulling him to his feet before using it to hit a modified Russian Leg Sweep.
The ACA Janitor sensing victory is within his grasp ducks out to the apron of the ring willing Albert to his feet and as The Illuminator gets his footing Kleen takes to the sky. KLEEN – KOUNTER! Lamplight drops enough to make The Germaphobe miss his target but allows The Salesman to set up the Widows Peak – ILLUMINATION THEORY drops Kleen as Lamplight moves for the cover… ONE… TWO… THREE!
The Illuminator has snatched victory from the jaws of defeat showing the ACA and Mr. Kleen that he will not have his light snuffed out so easily.
WINNER: ALBERT LAMPLIGHT
FIRST IS LAST
Anthesteria.
Drewitt, flashlight in hand, threads his way down a winding path in the underbelly of Anthesteria. Drawing closer, he finds El Mariachi Muerte standing with Colt in front of a massive door.
“Took you long enough,” EMM says coldly.
“Had a date with Narcissa Balenciaga.” He retorts, but as his eyes land on the door, he falls silent.
Its surface is inscribed with intricate patterns, but what catches his attention is the ancient text scrawled across its center.
EMM gestures toward the door.
“Colt led me here. This is where Vida’s scent leads.”
The dog whines and nuzzles Drewitt, who scratches him behind the ears while looking at the inscription.
“I can’t read it.” Muerte says.
“There are few who can.” Drewitt responds. “It’s ancient Arcadian.”
“What does it say?” Muerte asks.
Drewitt reads aloud, “‘The first shall be last, thus says the first Mariachi.’”
“Dios mío,” Muerte breathes. “Vida… she’s searching for El Mariachi Primero, the first of my kind.”
“I’d love to take a moment to wrap my head around that,” Drewitt says, looking pointedly at the door, “but there’s a slight problem.”
EMM’s gaze sharpens.
“What?”
“That,” Drewitt says, pointing to the text, which is glowing ever so softly, “is an enchantment. And we’re not making it through without breaking it.”
EMM steps forward, his fingers brushing the barrier.
“Perhaps some of the writings of my predecessors speak of this.”
“I have some resources I can check too,” Drewitt says with a nod. “Let’s meet back here in a week, and see if we can’t sort this out.”
Muerte seems conflicted, but knows that the Pilgrim is right.
“Bring your guitar with you, cause once we get through this, I’m gonna want that song.”
Cut.
Tonight the OSW Tag Team Championships are on the line as The Arcadian Censorship Authority’s finest, Sebastian Boswick and Tucker Goode, look to censor and dethrone Stubbins Doom and Felix Foley, Scandium Sulfur!
Annoying sirens hit the speakers and immediately the crowd starts covering their ears. No matter, for out walks Sebastian Boswick with his valet Valerie Perrywinkle at his side and a megaphone in his hand while Tucker Goode flanks them, handing out abstinence pamphlets to the crowd.
As they walk to the ring, Boswick lists his demands to the jeering and tortured audience.
“YOU WILL CENSOR YOURSELVES!” he demands. “SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN, COVER YOUR BODIES! STOP SWEARING IMMEDIATELY! STOP BOOING IMMEDIATELY! SILENCE YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY!”
No one listens, and Sebastian begrudgingly steps into the ring followed by Tucker and stands in the middle of the ring, taking in the boos and jeers for a moment before the sirens taper off, and he places the megaphone to his mouth.
“People of Arcadia,” he begins, “you have been subjected to the antics of two odd, mismatched men in the Old School Wrestling tag team division. One man playing with toys. The other, with…”
Sebastian pauses and exchanges a disturbed glance with Tucker before continuing.
“CHILDREN!!! These antics have brought shame to the Tag Team Championships, and so tonight it is our duty, Mr. Tucker Goode and Mr. Sebastian Boswick of the Arcadian Censorship Authority, to bring prestige back to the titles—to bring decorum back to the division—and to once and for all censor two of the men responsible for the besmirchment of Old School Wr—”
But Boswick stops in his tracks, noticing red laser beams pointing at him and Goode from all directions. The pair look up, realizing drones have surrounded them from above, but what they don’t notice is a smoke bomb rolling towards them on the canvas…
BOOOOOOOM!
The entire ring area is engulfed in a smog, and over the coughs of Boswick and Goode we hear the striking introduction of “2CELLOS” by Vivaldi Storm hit the speakers. The music comes to a stop before the smog lifts as the music returns, revealing Stubbins Doom stood opposite Boswick and Goode!
WATCH MY RIGHT HAND!!
DOOM’S LEFT GAUNTLET JUST BLASTED GOODE BETWEEN THE EYES!!
SURELY THAT WASN’T GOODE’S FIRST BLASTING!!
Doom jets right at Boswick—
CLOTHESLINE OVER THE TOP ROPE!
Boswick lands in a heap on the outside, maintaining his iron grip on his almighty megaphone through it all, and Ms. Perrywinkle rushes over to help him to his feet as Doom retrieves his gauntlet, placing it back on his left hand. Doom rocks Goode with some iron fists in the ring as “Felix Foley’s Funhouse Theme” by The Funhouse Band – who’re not live on the miniature entrance ramp stage tonight. Green flashing lights adorn the entrance as Felix Foley comes bounding out from the entrance way, stopping to wave to the children in the audience with a large smile on his face. He hoists his tag team championship belt up high to a huge ovation as he walks by the dazed Boswick and Perrywinkle, slides into the ring, and hands the title to the ref without quite grasping the fact that the match is already unofficially underway.
DING! DING!! DING!!!
The bell finally rings and this one is underway. Boswick climbs to the apron while Foley stops Doom from continuing his beat down, patting Doom on the chest saying he’s got this and begging Doom to take a rest on the apron. Doom obliges and does so, signaling his drones to fly off as Foley stalks Goode, who stumbles around before turning right into—
A BIG SMILE AND WAVE FROM FELIX!
Foley extends his hand for a shake, which Goode simply stares at. Goode shakes his head…
BIG RIGHT HAND TO FOLEY’S FACE!
AND ANOTHER!!
This staggers Foley back into the ropes and Goode drives his knee into Foley’s gut, expelling air and spit from the Puppeteer’s airway as he hunches over. Goode Irish whips Foley into the ropes and on the rebound catches him and spins into a Bossman Slam—
THE PURITY RING!!
Goode’s still a bit dazed from the beatdown earlier, opting to keep his arm over Foley’s shoulders as the ref counts—
ONE!
.
.
.
TWO—FOLEY GETS A SHOULDER UP!!
Ms. Perrywinkle shouts encouragement for her husband from ringside and Goode slowly brings Foley to his feet, grappling him and hoisting him into a bear hug—
THE CHASTITY CAGE???
NOT SO FAST!!!
Foley slips out from Goode’s clutches into a standing switch and grapples Goode from behind and hoists—
GERMAN SUPLEX—
BUT FOLEY CAN’T LIFT GOODE INTO THE AIR!
Foley tries again with another hoist—
GERMAN SUPLEX—
NO! FOLEY STILL CAN’T GET GOODE AIRBORNE!
Foley attempts to suplex Goode again and again form behind, each thrust garnering an audible gasp from Perrywinkle at ringside until Goode catches onto what’s happening. Goode pushes Foley off of him and scrambles to his corner where he sits against the bottom turnbuckle and makes a circle motion with his hand and slashes through it. Foley puts up his arms in confusion as Goode loosens up his tie around his collar, sweat beads visibly beginning to dribble down his brow as Boswick comforts and fans down his fellow ACA member and Perrywinkle nearly faints on the outside. Goode puts his hand out and Boswick tags himself in, guarding himself as he steps through the ropes, then waives off Foley, threatening to use his megaphone on him if he doesn’t leave the ring. Foley shrugs and looks dejectedly to Doom before tagging out.
Doom steps through the ropes and slowly but purposefully moves right to Boswick and the two tie up collar and elbow. Boswick goes for Doom’s arm, attempting a takedown, but Doom counters it, twisting Boswick’s arm into a hammerlock instead, yanking it from behind with force causing Boswick to yelp in pain, but Boswick counters into a hammerlock of his own, yanking at Doom’s gauntlet now and causing what we would imagine would be a grimace behind the mask of Doom. Doom manages to wrap his other arm around Boswick’s neck—
SNAPMARE!
That breaks the submission and as Boswick sits on the canvas Doom drills him with a running knee to the head—
THE SCRAMBLER!!
Doom drops down for a cover—
ONE!
.
.
.
TWO!!
..
BOSWICK KICKS OUT!!
It’ll take more than that to detract the ACA from their mission tonight and Doom brings Boswick to his feet…
BIG RIGHT HAND TO BOSWICK’S GUT!
This hunches Boswick over and Doom rears back, following up with…
A BIG METALLIC CHOP TO THE CHEST!
Boswick is pursed-lip breathing now, trying to maintain decorum, and Doom whips him into the ropes—
HOVER, NO BOSWICK!!
THE ACA CHAIRMAN HELD ONTO THE ROPES!!
The kick gets nothing but air and Doom doesn’t notice Goode blind tagging himself in, so he goes right after Boswick with a kick to the gut as Goode sneaks up behind Doom—
DOUBLE AXE HANDLE SMASH TO THE BACK OF DOOM!
Goode is absolutely mauling Doom with forearms and knees that tangle Doom up in the ropes. Foley is pleading for Goode to stop, but the onslaught continues before he tags Boswick back in. They whip Doom into the ropes in tandem, and on the rebound—
DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!!
THE RED LINE!!
Doom goes down and Boswick hooks a leg for a cover—
ONE!
.
.
.
TWO!!
..
..
..
..
..
..
DOOM KICKS OUT!!
Boswick shouts demoralizing things about the dangers of technology at Doom as he stomps his lower back, then he tags Goode back in and the two again whip Doom into the ropes in tandem before Boswick rebounds off the opposite ropes, and Goode catches Doom on the rebound with a spinebuster as Boswick drills him with a big boot—
APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES!!
Goode places all 400 pounds of his body weight atop Doom for the cover as this very well could be it—
ONE!
.
.
.
TWO!!
..
..
..
..
..
..
FOLEY RUSHES IN FOR THE SAVE!!
…
THR–FOLEY BREAKS THE PIN ATTEMPT!!
The ref ushers Foley back to his corner and Boswick jaws with him, causing a distraction and making the ref miss Ms. Perrywinkle slide into the ring with a rolled-up celibacy pamphlet which she pokes into the eye of Doom!!
MY LOVING WIFE!!
Foley is ticked off now, arguing with the ref as Boswick swiftly moves back to his corner and gets the tag in from Goode. Boswick is looking for the end here, stalking the now-visually impaired Doom from behind as he gets to his feet and grabs his arm for the takedown—
CENSORER CROSSFACE!!!
BOSWICK HAS IT LOCKED IN!!!
DOOM REACHES HIS ARMS OUT IN DESPERATION—
THERE’S NO ROPES WITHIN REACH!!!
Doom reaches out one last time…
…
….
…
….
…
….
…
….
…
….
…
AND PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS GAUNTLET!!
Numerous drones have reappeared above them and begin raining down small rockets that blast both of them, disorienting the unshielded Boswick and causing him to release the submission!
Boswick is in pain, and Doom is using all his might to crawl towards the outstretched hand of Foley…
Boswick rolls towards his corner…
The crowd is on their feet!
Doom is shaking his head…
HE CAN’T!
But Foley is cheering him on:
“YOU CAN!”
CAN DOOM TAG OUT?
…
DOUBLE HOT TAG!
In rush Foley and Goode, on a collision course—
GOODE THROWS A CELIBATE LARIAT—
DUCKED BY FOLEY INTO A STANDING SWITCH—
GERMAN SUPLEX?
CAN HE???
Foley thrusts with all his might…
YES HE CAN!!
GERMAN SUPLEX TO GOODE!!
Boswick stumbles towards Foley—
A HAYMAKER DROPS BOSWICK!
Goode pops back up and rushes Foley who pulls the top rope down—
OH NO!
GOODE GOES FLYING OVER THE TOP ROPE AND LANDS ONTOP OF HIS WIFE VALERIE!
Boswick is up and haggardly dashes at Foley with a big boot—
STAMP OF AUTHORITY!!
DUCKED BY FOLEY!!
Foley runs off the ropes and back at Boswick, taking aim at his head—
AND NAILS A BIG BOOT OF HIS OWN!!
THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR BOOTIN’!!
Foley lifts the dazed Boswick onto his shoulders, taking aim at a corner—
DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!!
BOSWICK BUMPED HIS HEAD!!
The crowd is raucous as Foley stands tall over Boswick in the corner. He points down at Boswick and looks to the crowd—
AND BEGINS STOMPING BOSWICK, WALKING EM BOOTS DRY TO THE CROWD’S DELIGHT!!
FELIX FOLEY’S CORNER!!
THE PUPPETMASTER IS UNHINGED!!
Foley places Boswick into the tree of woe and moves with purpose to the opposite corner before brandishing his boots to the crowd for their approval! He makes a dash at Boswick, right after Doom makes the blind tag, and jumps at the ACA Chairman—
DROPKICK—
MISSES!!
Goode pulled Boswick out of the way at the last second, and Goode takes advantage of this mishap—
ROLLING THUNDER ONTO THE SUPINE FOLEY—
THE SOUND OF CELIBACY CONNECTS!!
This knocks the wind out of Foley and Goode scrambles ontop him for the cover—
BUT THE REF REFUSES TO COUNT!
DOOM IS THE LEGAL MAN!
At which time Goode turns his head just in time to see Doom jetting towards him—
LEVITATING KICK IN THE FACE!!
HOVER, NO BOTHER!!
Doom wants to end this now. No one’s been able to pry those Tag Team Championships from him and Foley, and he wants to keep it that way—he needs to keep It that way! And so Doom stalks Goode as he gets to all fours… and charges—
PUNT KICK TO THE HEAD CONNECTS!!!
BREAKING THE JAR!!!
Doom stacks Goode high on his shoulders but didn’t see Boswick make the blind tag, and he rolls Doom up from behind—
SCHOOLBOY–
ONE!
.
.
.
TWO!!
..
..
..
..
..
..
FOLEY SLIDES INTO THE RING, BUT MS. PERRYWINKLE HAS A HOLD OF HIS BOOTS FROM THE OUTSIDE!!
…
BOSWICK’S FEET ARE ON THE ROPES!!!
THREE!!!
The ACA have censored Scandium Sulfur’s tag team title reign and are your NEW OSW Tag Team Champions!
WINNERS AND NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE ACA
UPON THE RIVER III
They’ve arrived.
They’ve reached their final destination.
As they’re finally allowed to disembark the boat onto the shore, they realize where they are.
It isn’t paradise.
It’s the Underworld. More precisely, it’s the gates of the Underworld. All three stand outside them – Jackson Cade looking perplexed.
“Why?” He demands to know. “Why am I here?”
Death laughs.
“It looks like you led a life just as terrible as mine, after all,” he remarks.
“No…” Cade panics.
“Once these gates open and you step inside, my journey ferrying you is complete,” he says, reaching back into the boat and pulling out the OSW World Championship. He tosses it on the dirt in front of them, looking down at it. “Let me ask you both; was this worth it?”
That confuses them.
“We’re not here because of that,” Dr. Death says with a surprise. “We’re here because of the lives we’ve led, unless…”
Something dawns on him.
“You son of a bitch,” he mutters angrily.
Tombstone chuckles softly.
“What?” Cade asks. “What’s going on?”
“He’s making a point,” The Luchadoc concludes correctly. “We’re not dead, Cade. This is all in the mind.”
Gasp.
Suddenly, both men awaken together inside the Mortuary. They’re led on tables in the morgue, strapped to them. Sitting on a chair beside them is Tombstone, his eyes rolled into the back of his skull.
“A fucking parlour trick!?” The World Champion bellows angrily.
Dr. Death laughs audibly as Tombstone awakens from his trance.
“He was showing us what this endeavour towards the OSW World Championship would cost if we crossed him,” the Doctor informs Cade.
“Perhaps,” Tombstone says with a shrug of the shoulders. “Perhaps not. But what I was showing you is that at the end, it’ll be my face you see. So, when you’re attacking me for the events of last week or because you’re afraid I’m going to become World Champion, you ought to remember that one way or another, I’m at the end.”
Both men struggle against their restraints.
“And neither of you should fear your end. The end is where we meet and I will send you on your way.”
He begins walking away, heading towards the morgue door.
“What about us?” Cade queries.
“An intern will be along to grant your release shortly,” he says gruffly. “Leave this place whilst you can, or you may never leave at all.”
The Ferryman exits.
Cut.