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Intertwined Souls

Made another feedback thread

This is a massive positive jump from your last promo—great work! You did a really good job of tying each character into the “natural order” and why Ayame objects to them. The last line wrapped everything up nicely.

This is much more in line with the style of OSW and I’m confident that you’ll continue to improve on that style and be a real contender here.

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Wolf Fang Ayame

I think you've done an amazing job from one promo to another. You've really taken on advice and put the notes given into practice. That's the key, just keep honing the craft, the style and finding her voice and her way of presenting a promo.

Then, keep experimenting and exploring, pushing the envelope. You'll do well with a coachable attitude that you've shown so far mate.

 

It's a bit of a difficult match to promo really, as you can't sink your teeth into one opponent too much. I think you've done a good job of finding a theme that you can apply to all of your opponents and unpacking how this looks for each of them in turn.

If anything, I'd try and make sure that everything you add builds up the promo. Each descriptive device builds somewhere. If you're showcasing the natural order of things across the setting of the scene, then building this for a few lines at the beginning of the promo before you hit that line of "I am no stranger to contracts." would help to just give her speech a bit of context.

I really like the way you've tweaked the idea of a contract into nature, that's clever work for the character. Perhaps digging deeper into that, but then again... You've got to get into the opponents too, so its a matter of how much words you can pull from different places.

 

The dissection of the characters was solid, way better focus on that this week!

However, I think if you wanted to particularly go after Roland Gray, that's a great idea. You can still show how the theme touches on the others, but make their dissection more brief to really build into that "That just leave YOU." line.

Good character voice there, the way she growls the name.

If there's anything to save time for at the end of the promo, it's how the theme all turns around for Ayame.

I think perhaps you could have somehow saved some words to dig a bit more into what you were getting at in the end line. "The Light Bringer fades to black, and The Hunter becomes the hunted. For the contract was their agreement to be judged by the rules of Nature by The Wolf. And they shall fail.”

That seems pivotal, if you can then link back to what you were talking about the natural order at the start or mention how Ayame comes out on top of all of them, I think you have a nice package to write from.

 

All in all, a solid promo, keep working from a place of what climax points you want and how to really nail them. I really want to see some more of your one on one pieces now!

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Wolf Fang Ayame