WWF Smackdown #3 - Championship Gold
WWF Smackdown!
Richmond Coliseum, Richmond, Virgina.
NOTE: This show has an extended deadline taking it past Pandemonium. May 22nd.
Fatal Four Way Match
WWF Intercontinential Championship
Taka Michinoku (w/ Funaki) vs. Edge (w/ Christian) vs. Kane (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Triple H
Singles Match
WWF European Championship
Dude Love vs. Kurt Angle
Tag Team Match
Jeff Jarrett & Y2J vs. Stone Cold & The Rock
Singles Match
Bubba Ray Dudley (w/ D'von) vs. The Undertaker
Despite what you people might think, I’m a lover not a fighter.
It’s true.
And as much as I’m a modern man, I don’t go running around this place spilling my guts about it. I’m not trying to share love and fluids like some kind of feral humping mutt. My love stays in my pants and in my heart, thank you very much.
Because your Olympic Hero has more decorum than that.
Dude Love though, that hippy, won’t shut his trap about it. In the meantime, he’s wagging his tail at anything that walks. Do you people really think Europe wants to be represented by a sexual predator?
It’s bad enough that Europe is full of foul smelling French and British people with teeth that look like jagged rocks and faces like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
These people need your Olympic Hero, America. They need Kurt Angle. They need to be represented by someone better than them, not someone who looks like he’d fit right in on a police line up of who touched that person where.
Tonight on Smackdown, Kurt Angle becomes the WWF European Champion and MEGA. That’s right, Kurt Angle Makes Europe Great Again.
Oh it’s true, it’s darn true!
Double J stands in the middle of the Smackdown ring – microphone in hand.
Jeff Jarrett: Can you see the electricity? Can you feel the STROKE?
The line of questioning is met by a chorus of boos.
Jeff Jarrett: I’m not talkin’ about the People’s Chump, The Rock. I’m not talkin’ about that Texas Rattle Fake, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Jarrett raises a single finger above his head for all to see.
Jeff Jarrett: I’m talkin’ about ONE man – Jeff Jarrett – the soon-to-be GREATEST Dubya Dubya F Champion of ALLLLLLL time!
The number one contender nods favourably despite the crowd’s displeasure.
Jeff Jarrett: Now I know that some of you are gonna be in a state of shock that The Rock won’t be in that Main Event at No Mercy. You see, The Rock may call himself The Great One, but I am The CHOSEN One – and at No Mercy – I’m choosin’ to walk out the buildin’ with that belt strapped firmly around MY waist!
More boos.
Jeff Jarrett: And as for you, Austin…
Jarrett points towards the apron.
Jeff Jarrett: You stand in that corner, and you treat tonight as a damned dress rehearsal, ‘cause the next time we see one another, SLAPNUTS, it’ll be your redneck ass I’m kickin’!
Listen up, cool cats and groovy gals! We got ourselves a European Championship match, and in my way is Mr. Three I’s himself, Kurt Angle!
Now, Kurt, my man, you love to preach about your intensity, integrity, and intelligence. But Dude Love is here to set the record straight!
First up, intensity. Oh, Kurt, you bring the heat, but you're wound up tighter than a drum, man! You gotta loosen up, feel the rhythm, and let the good vibes flow. Intensity is cool, but when you're dancing with Dude Love, you gotta groove, baby, groove!
Then there's integrity. I've seen you take shortcuts, brother. Integrity means doing right by the people, even when nobody's watching.
And intelligence, Kurt? You think you're the smartest cat in the room, but true intelligence comes from the heart! It's about connecting with the people, feeling their energy, and riding that wave to victory!
So, Kurt Angle, you bring your three I’s, and I'll bring the power of love, the spirit of the people, and a whole lotta funky moves! This European title is coming home with Dude Love, and there's nothing you can do about it, baby! Oooooh, have mercy!
We cut backstage to Bubba Ray and D'Von Dudley, as Bubba starts to speak.
"I heard what you had to say about respect last week, Taker."
"Back home in Dudleyville, we earned each other's respect the hard way."
"Talk shit, get hit. That was the law of the land back home."
"Hell, me and D'Von have had our share of fights before."
"We lost sweat, blood, and tears duking it out...but we respect the hell out of each other for it."
"If you had that kinda bond with your bro Kane, you'd know what that's like. Instead, you go 'round demandin' respect...and frankly, I don't take kindly to that."
"I'm gonna show you how hard I can hit to earn my respect...and then I'm taking you down for the count."
"If puttin' down the Dead Man doesn't earn me some respect with the boys, I'll be happy to fight them too."
"I'll beat as many of these assholes as it takes, and whether these fans like me or hate me, they'll respect me."
"And you will know that thou shall not mess with the Dudleys!"
D'Von chimes in.
"Ohhh my brotha...TESTIFY!"
The pair storm off as we fade to black.
KAIENTAI sit backstage as they lament their recent loss. TAKA is holding an icepack to his head while Funaki has his hand on the top of his back. Michinoku speaks, but he's naturally dubbed over in English.
TAKA Michinoku: That Triple F fool! KAIENTAI will not forget how you cost us the WWF championship! When we meet in the ring next week, I will use the power of God to smite you!
Funaki pats him on the back, causing TAKA to wince. He quickly shakes it off though.
TAKA Michinoku: Then, I will use those same powers to turn the lanky one into the biggest loser for five seconds! That way those with flash photography can really have something to take pictures of!
Michinoku hands the icepack off to his partner.
TAKA Michinoku: As for the big red zit known as Kane?
TAKA and Funaki look around cautiously before the voice continues speaking for him.
TAKA Michinoku: I'll send him back to hell and show the devil who his favorite demons should've been! All of you better prepare for a truly fatal four way! For we are KAIENTAI! And we are... EEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLL!
The voice laughs as they both still look scared. Funaki eventually speaks.
Funaki: INDEED.
We then cut.
Flames flicker in a lair of a backdrop around Kane’s imposing mask. The shot widens to the owl-like eyes of Paul Bearer who draws a deep breath.
Paul Bearer: “Fire is a living beast that must be fed. The flames are hungry, and the Devil’s Favourite Demon has his eyes set on a meal that will sustain his burning appetite. Ooohhhh Yessss.”
Paul Bearer: “The banquet began with an appetizer in Kurt Angle. He fell at the feet of Kane, and has been running in fear ever since. Even the Undertaker himself has been fed to the hungry beast. But the main course is about to begin and three more souls are ready to be fed to the flames.”
Paul Bearer: “It will not matter if you think you are too pretty, like Edge. Or too degenerative, like Triple H. Or even if you think that you too are evil… indeed. The Big Red Machine will devour you all like the brimstone fires of hell itself. Then, he will stand as the most feared Intercontinental Champion in WWF history.”
Wide eyed, Bearer almost squeals in delight.
Paul Bearer: “Ooooh, yessssssss.”
Kane’s imposing frame fills the screen as his metallic vocoder voice echoes out the punctuation to Bearer’s words.
Kane: “Feed… The… Flames.”
[Backstage.]
Michael Cole: "I'm stood here with one of-"
[He's cut off.]
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "Shut up and go grab daddy a beer, Michael."
[Cheers]
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "I don't know what the hell's going on here. Double J could be the one who ran down all those sacks of shit last month for all I know, and I couldn't care less."
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "What I do know is this. The more the hands on the clock tick, the closer we get to a World Wrestling Federation where good ole Stone Cold is the World Champion. I don't give a good got damn if he's holding Vince McMahon's pocket, I will be there at No Mercy to stomp a mudhole in Double J's ass and walk it dry!"
[Cheers.]
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "But Steve, what about tonight? Richmond, VA wants to see ya!"
[Eruption.]
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "Well don't ya worry ya pretty little heads about that, because The Rattlesnake and The Great One are marching down to that ring tonight to do what we do best. So if you want to see Stone Cold and The Brahma Bull come down there and whip some candy ass, gimme a hell yeah!"
["HELL YEAH!"]
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "And that's the bottom lineeeeee, cause Stone Cold said so."
We open on The Undertaker standing outside the Richmond Coliseum wringing his hands.
Taker: I ain't gonna mince words, last week Kurt Angle beat my ass. I gotta be right up front with all of you, one, it hurt like hell, and two, he made the biggest mistake of his life because I’m still breathing.
Taker points at the building behind the look on his face determined and pissed off.
Taker: This week I’m going to walk into that building and show that to him as I take Bubba Ray Dudley and beat that stutter back into him. I will use Bubba as a Kurt Angle stand in and beat his ass from pillar to post.
Taker turns from the building before staring straight down the camera fury in his eyes.
Taker: Bubba Thursday you take your ass to church, and you give your soul to the Lord and have D-Von Testify to it because on Friday your ass belongs to the Undertaker. I am going to beat you so bad that you’re never gonna be able to Rest... in... Peace!
Taker runs his thumb across this throat rolling his eyes into the back of his head as his tongue flows out of his mouth.
Chris Jericho stands in the ring after the break, microphone in hand. He sniffs the air dramatically, scrunching up his face.
Chris Jericho: Richmond, it's starting to stink around here! Do you smell that? Or, should I say... do ya SMELLLLLLLLLLL-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! A combination of failure and bottom shelf beer?
The crowd boos.
Chris Jericho: Because Smackdown is starting to reek and, thankfully for all of you Jerichoholics out there, I know, uh, just what the source is. It isn't Hunter's filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom-feeding trash bag ho of a wife!
More boos.
Chris Jericho: No it's Stone Cold Steve Assclown and a huge, stinkin' pile of Brahma Bullshit! For too long as this crowd been forced to endure your stench week in and week out!
He smirks.
Chris Jericho: But not to worry, because Chris Jericho is here to save this town! I'm no janitor, but I will be your savior! Because tonight Y2J is getting on the gloves and taking out two, big, heaping piles of trash!
Jericho drinks in the crowd.
Chris Jericho: And once I kick you two out of the ring and out that door, Smackdown will never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEER, be the same again!