“See, my ma, she used to tell me that too many cooks in the kitchen makes for a terrible fuckin’ stew.”
“As a kid I didn’t get what she meant. What’s the problem with a few extra hands?”
“Well, she taught me real fuckin’ fast first hand. One day, when she was cookin’ dinner, I snuck into the kitchen to help. And, like any lil dipshit does, I figure I’ll help season the soup while she chopped the veggies. So I slid behind, grabbed the salt, and added a heapin’ fuckin’ spoonful to the pot.”
“Stirred it in and dipped before she noticed.”
“Only, when my ma turned back to the soup? She threw in the carrots, but she also added a nice, big, disgusting fucking dash of salt.”
“And lemme tell ya, when she placed that bowl in front of me and made me eat it?”
“Shit was fuckin’ ruined.”
“Swallowin’ just one spoonful was torture, and my ma? She was a real bitch when she wanted to be. Because she knew, she knew I fucked up the soup and the shit I was shovelin’ in my mouth was inedible.”
“Mamma Hatchet didn’t waste food. She pushed the bowl to my face and told me to drink every. Last. Drop.”
“But I learned, didn’t I? Too many cooks and you’re left with a meal I wouldn’t feed Destructo Bitch.”
“Anton, I thought you were some kinda great chef, so I gotta wonder why you never learned what my ma put into my head since day one. Because right now? You ain’t the one runnin’ your kitchen, are you?”
“Nah, in fact, I’m ganna spell it out for you a lil bit. Right now, because you’re too fuckin’ stupid to notice, you got two other cooks fuckin’ with your recipes. Captain Fuckboy? Sunshine? Both of them got their dirty fingers all up in your stew.”
“Each one wants to fuck with it, to fuck with you. Gettin’ your whole staff to dip? Tradin’ you a kids menu to save your restaurant? You’re fuckin’ powerless and it shows, Annie. Right now, all the preparations you’ve made, all the work you put into your lil restaurant? This stew you slaved over? It’s all gettin’ doused in salt.”
“Every time your back is turned, every time you’re focused on one and not the other? They’re pourin’ spices and ruining all your hard work.”
“All because you don’t know how to run your kitchen, Annie. See, mama Hatchet was a bitch, but she taught me well. The Gathering never questions me, Anton. The stew I’m cookin’? Un-fuckin-touched.”
“But don’t worry, I’ll be nice for once. I’ll teach you exactly the way my ma taught me.”
“By making you sit down and eat up your mistake one sad, salty spoonful at a time.”
“Shit, I’ll force feed it to you til you learn, Annie.”
“Hell, you get two lessons for the price of one.”
“First, either control your kitchen or lose it.”
“Second?”
“Eventually, everybody gets downed by the clown.”