Oi everyone! I’m Chip Montana! And I’m grabbing nature…
…BY THE BALLS!!!
…But you know what has every living thing by the balls? You know what, in the blink of an eye, could squeeze your balls so hard they explode, and kill you dead, with blood pouring out of your crushed scrote?
Death, mate.
He’s the type who wouldn’t even stop himself from squeezing his own son’s balls in a vice grip and killing him off.
Ain’t he a bitch?
It reminds me of the story of the lion cub.
The little lion cub. He looks up to his father to show him how to one day lead a pride of his own. His only desire, outside of the childish things he cares for, is to make his lion father proud.
The cub never had any idea that, one day, his father would attempt to kill him.
See, in the world of lions, there’s only room for one leader. And every male heir is seen as a viable threat. So before the little cub ever grows into the beast he will one day become, his father tries to kill him. The lucky lion cub, however, managed to escape. He had to endure the world, cold and grueling as it is, all on his own. He had to grow up in it. He had to become a man without guidance, relying only on his instinct.
As his father grew older and weaker, he grew older and stronger. Until finally, he returned to face his father for his betrayal. And right before he maimed his father’s balls and killed him, he said, “why father? why did you try to kill me?”
And his father replied, “I wanted to.”
Don’t you get it, Death Note? I know. Your father didn’t try to kill you. Your name just magically appeared in the pages of those to die.
Well, look at your old man.
He doesn’t seem to mind that someone is doing his dirty work for him, does he, little cub?
You are still a child.
Your father rules a great domain with an iron fist. When it is time to claim a life, he claims it. When it is time to end a life, he ends it. The world is his sahara. We are all gazelles, and he takes us down one by one by one.
You thought that just because you aren’t one of the gazelles out here to be feasted on, that he would never come for you. That he would be a good father and protect you.
But your father is a lion.
And it’s time for the cub to either grow up, or die in this cold, grueling world.
Well mate, Chip Montana ain’t the type to let a little cub take him down and make a meal out of him.
Instead, I’ll get you a nice warm blanket, a bottle of titty milk, and feed you. Help you grow up. Help you survive.
After all, you’re just a little baby. And you need protecting.