There are so many types of scissors to choose from when performing surgery. Different sizes, shapes, and colors indicate specific purposes, so it’s absolutely imperative to make an informed decision when choosing a pair for the job.
Metzenbaums are your bread and butter scissors for surgery. Long and thin, with a curved tip, these scissors can not only cut, but also can poke and prod, retract skin, or provide stable support around an incision. They’re a solid option to use on anyone.
Tenotomy scissors are your best choice for small, delicate areas. Straight or curved, blunt or sharp, they, like Metzenbaums, can be used for a wide variety of specialties, except they are smaller. This characteristic can help or hinder depending on the subject and your needs. They would be excellent to use on Destructo Boy.
Lister bandage scissors are big, long, and angled. They’re specifically indicated for bandage cutting, so heads up, Burned Man.
Then there are microscissors to use under microscopes for neurosurgery, which is what Stubbins Doom desperately needs to address his issues.
Which brings me to Mayo scissors. Also called, “heavies,” these big, wide scissors are used to cut every type of suture you could imagine.
They’re used for something near and dear to you.
For someone who prides themselves on cutting others’ strings, I’ve never seen you use Mayos, Scissors.
I’ve seen you use children’s safety scissors, which are colorful, plastic, and absolutely ridiculous-looking. I’d liken them to wearing tights with children’s characters plastered all over them.
I’ve seen you cut with hedge sheers, which are long, metallic, and scary-looking, but also kind of ridiculous. I’d liken them to wearing chain mail, a pagan robe, antlers, and a spooky mask.
Neither of those tools effectively cut strings, sir. In fact, you’d have to be clinically insane to make the choices you do on a daily basis, with all due respect of course.
What I’m trying to tell you is that you’re using all the wrong tools for the job, Scissors.
If you thought plastering a fucking frog’s smiling face over your dick would endear yourself to the children of Arcadia and their parents, you were wrong.
And if you think a happy mask, antlers, and pagan chain mail scare anyone— if you think you scare me— you’re wrong.
You’re wrong with the choices you’ve made, the clothes you wear, and the tools you use for the job.
You have some loose strings coming out from within you, and it shows.
I, on the other hand, am ever intact and buttoned-up. I always have my sterile gloves and gown at the ready. My mask is on tight, shielding my face as well as the sterile field below me.
You’ll be in my sterile field at Thunder, Scissors, and I’m going to show you first hand how to make better decisions when I suture your crazy ass up and cut all your loose strings with the right pair of scissors for the job:
My big, heavy Mayos.
It’s time to trim those loose strings of yours.
Now take a deep breath and close your eyes…
See you on the other side, Scissors.