As a boy, I was extremely competitive. I had to be the best at everything. If I had an assignment due for class, it had to be an A+. If it wasn’t, then I’d be furious.
But the most devastating losses didn’t come inside the classroom – it was there that I excelled. The most devastating loses always came athletically.
More importantly, they always came on Sports Day…
… And the dreaded egg and spoon race.
The egg and spoon race is a simple concept, crafted by mere buffoons for children’s entertainment. It’s ridiculous, idiotic and infuriating.
At my first attempt, I couldn’t find balance. I ran quickly with speed across the ground like a cheetah, but I couldn’t keep the egg on the spoon. The quicker I ran, the more I had to stop and return to pick up the fallen egg before I could continue.
I came last. Dead last.
That just wouldn’t do. Young Stubbins came back the very next year, but with a plan. I put a small dollop of glue on the spoon and stuck the egg to it. Rudimentary, I know. But what I didn’t account for was the lack of time I’d have to let the adhesive work and in running towards the finish line, I was left with the same problem, if not stickier.
I came last, again. Dead last.
I spent all year reviewing the rules of the competition and looking for a way to victory. I considered alternative methods of collecting the egg if it fell, all to no avail.
And then I remembered what my pop was working on.
There’s a reason why my pop couldn’t get that Hovercraft to work. It wasn’t his own failure, per say. What he didn’t know was that I stole his technology, modified it and used it for my own gain.
When the next dreaded race came along, I this time excelled.
The Hover boots were born.
And I floated from start to finish in no time at all.
I’ve not competed at Lambs to the Slaughter because I was too busy excelling as the Old School Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion. As I prepare for my first year in the competition, I’m reminded of Sports Day. I’m reminded of how many attempts it took me to understand what was required to be victorious.
But I’m also reminded of how I overcame. I’m reminded of how in the end, I won the egg and spoon race.
Stubbins Doom learns from his mistakes.
Last year, it was a mistake to be the OSW World Champion.
This year, I’m wearing hover boots.
Look out, Old School Wrestling. When Stubbins Doom wears hover boots, there’s only one winner at the end of this race…
..And all of you will bow before Doom.