The lights shine from up above on the catwalk and the stage curtain opens, revealing…
FOLEY’S FUNHOUSE?!
All the kiddos start cheering and clapping for Felix, but to their surprise it’s not Felix they’re getting tonight…
The look of pure joy transforms into confusion, even fear on their faces as a stranger emerges from the stage right shadows, his cane thud echoing his increasingly louder footsteps.
“Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a workin’ man, no time to talk,” exclaims Dr. Death, who stops center stage.
“Come, children,” he beckons to them as they excitedly hop onto the stage, forming a semi-circle around the Good Doctor.
“My name is Dr. Death, and today I’m going to teach you how to protect yourselves and others from death with this very important life lesson.”
Death snaps his fingers and a busty blonde nurse carries a large duffel bag and drops it at Death’s feet. She bends over and unzips it as little Joey begins to drool next to her revealing a dummy.
“Kids, meet Resusci Anne. She isn’t breathing, and—Joey, focus now, please check her pulse, quickly.”
Joey’s gaze hasn’t left the nurse’s bosom, so Death shoves the poor boy to the side and puts two fingers to the carotid. “No pulse! Little Annie is in grave danger and requires your help,” he proclaims as the children gasp in shock. “Now, whether they’re your brother or whether they’re your mother, your goal is…”
Bobbi Sue raises her hand.
“Yes, dear?”
“Stayin’ alive!”
Death twirls his cane in excitement. “Whoa-hoah, we have a future nurse in our ranks! And yes, Bobbi Sue, you are correct. And we do that by administering cardiopulmonary resuscitation.”
The children’s mouths collectively drop.
“CPR,” Death clarifies. “And an easy way to remember how to do this is by kneeling at a ninety degree angle next to that person, forming a ball with hands, locking your wrists, and compressing above the sternum whilst keeping the beat by singing—
“Stayin’ alive,
“Stayin’ alive,
“Ah, ha, ha, ha,
“Stayin’ alive,
“Stayin’ alive,
“Ah, ha, ha, ha,
“Stayin’ alive!”
The children, smiling.
The parents in the audience, tear in their eyes.
“Just thirty compressions and then give two rescue breaths before beginning another cycle. Shall we have Nurse Sarah here demonstrate rescue breathing on Little Joey?”
Joey passes out, and right on cue Bobbi Sue lines up her compressions and performs perfect CPR on Joey as she sings along. The audience awwws and applauds as Dr. Death slow claps before looking straight into the hard cam.
“See, Foley? That’s a real lesson. I just taught your children more than you have in your entire sorry career. And when I’m done with you at Thunder, you better hope that whether it’s your brother, Doom, or whether it’s that ill mother of yours, that they learned from me too, because it’ll be them who’ll have to fight to keep yourself and your career to be stayin’ alive.”
The crowd gives Dr. Death a rousing ovation as the curtains close and all fades to black.