We hear Queen’s “Keep Yourself Alive”
…but something’s off…
It’s… Churchy.
[The Zionists clap and dance to the song in the aisles and on the pews.]
[Lionel Troy stands on stage, gyrating like a sex-crazed maniac of the Lord]
“ZION IS ALIIIIIVE!!!
ZION IS ALIIIIIVE!!!
HE’LL SAVE YO FUCKIN ASS FROM THE FERRYYYY!!!
ZION IS ALIVE!!!”
[The song fades.]
[The applause dies.]
[The Lion speaks to the lambs.]
“Folks let’s not forget what people say outside these most Holiest of walls. They say, the Ferryman comes to getcha when he dies. They say, he takes your soul to where it belongs.”
[A sneer forms across the Lion of Zion’s face.]
“But we know the truth in here, don’t we?”
[AMEN!]
“I SAID ‘BUT WE KNOW THE TRUTH IN HERE, DON’T WE?'”
[AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN.]
“PRAISE ZION!!! Because according to the Zionic Texts, in the book of Tonay, it tells us that when a man, woman or child gives his heart to Zion, it’s Zion who ferries their soul! Amen??? And he don’t FERRY that soul to its end! NO HE DON’T!!! HE FERRIES IT TO THE LIFE HEREAFTER!!! AMEN!?!?!“
[The crowd is damn near worked into a complete frenzy.]
“Now, when you die — and you will, most certainly, die — that Ferryman is gonna come for you. He’s gonna come-a lookin’. He’s gonna come-a knocking. But what does Zion say about that Ferryman? Hmm? What’s Zion say? He says,
”The Ferryman will not find you, for you… Will be with me.”
[PRAISE ZION!!!]
“Let’s bow out heads.”
[Ahem.]
“Dear Father Zion we pray upon you today not asking for a single thing. No we ain’t. Father Zion we are praying upon you to thank you. To thank you for saving us from Death. To thank you for saving us from that Ferryman! For being OUR FERRYMAN!!! Father Zion we THANK you for loving us, for ferrying our souls unto your breast. For keeping us safe from the end so many unfortunate meet. Amen.”
[A-fucking-men.]
“But you know people…”
“I gotta stare that Ferryman in the face at NXT Level this weekend.”
[Woah.]
“I gotta look him in the eye. I gotta fight him in the middle of that ring.”
“He will try to strike fear in my heart.”
[😉]
“But I ain’t got nothing to fear.”
“He will try to bend my will.”
[😉]
“But my will is Zion’s.”
“Hell, he might even try to make me take a ride on his ferry that very night.”
[😉]
“But he ain’t got an oar strong enough to ferry my soul. Amen?”
[Amen.]
“Because my soul is chained to Zion! Amen?”
[Amen!]
“Because when I finally depart from this world as it comes to an end I got a DIFFERENT ferry to catch! I got a BETTER ferry to catch! A ferry that’s gonna take me somewhere too beautiful for the Ferryman to lay eyes on! Too magnificent to welcome the likes of him! A place where Death cannot Live! A place where Life knows no pain!”
“A place that Zion has prepared for me.”
“And for you.”
“Amen?”
[Amen.]