The following announcement is a message from the Arcadian Censorship Authority.
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Good people of Arcadia, as my brilliant colleague Tucker Goode and his folks at the AAC have so appropriately conveyed, being a whore is shameful, disgusting, and evil.
But what, pray tell, is the root of all evil?
What, pray tell, is the root of whoredom?
Let me, as my grandmother, Mrs. Boswick, would say, spin you a yarn.
When I was a young man, I was so fortunate to be blessed with my good looks and tall stature, but I must admit, I lacked the… Shall we say, moral fortitude I’m so lucky to possess now.
I had dated many women, all of whom I… Gosh, forgive me folks, but I used them for my pleasure.
And then? Well… Something changed in my heart as I laid my eyes upon the most gorgeous young woman I had ever seen.
I was madly in love. Instantly.
Luckily for me, she liked the cut of my jib. And after a year, we had gone on so many dates, that I asked her father for permission to marry her.
He gave me that permission, and I went to find her.
But where did I find her?
I FOUND HER MAKING PASSIONATE COITUS WITH ANOTHER MAN!!!
AND WHY??? WHY DID SHE DO THAT???
BECAUSE HE GAVE HER A 40 OUNCE BOTTLE OF LIQUOR AND A MARIJUANA CIGARETTE!!!!!!
…ahem…
You see, I did not realize a fundamental fact of life.
Desire is fleeting.
And so are those who are ruled by their desires.
And what is the root of all whoredom?
Desire, good people. Desire.
THIS is why, upon joining the ACA, one takes a Vow of Censorship against desire.
For desire…
Well, as Mr. Goode so demonstrated prior, it’s the kind of thing that can cause a twin to eat the other.
The dark to eat the light.
The dirty, marijuana cigarette smoking WHORE… to eat the pure, unadulterated virgin.
Mr. Lamplight, you desire-peddling pimp of fleeting nothings…
It is people like you that create incestuous whores like your tag team partner.
It is people like you who sell marijuana cigarettes and 40 ounces of liquor to young, formerly virtuous women.
It is people like you, selling fleeting things, who steal everything that’s real from the very soul of Arcadia.
Like first loves.
Like the good side of people.
Well, we at the Arcadian Censorship Authority have not forgotten our charge.
We have not forgotten the first Vow of Censorship.
And you? Well, you stand for everything that vow opposes.
You. Stand. For. WHOREDOM.
For you vend the very root of it.
This aggression will not stand, Mr. Lamplight. We ask that the Good People of Arcadia avoid his storefront at all costs, lest they be seduced by their baser urges, lest they end up feeding the very SIN MACHINE we stand against.
Stand.
Down.
Mr. Lamplight.
After all, it’s not just my job to censor you. It’s my life’s work.
And my work is immortal.
Yours is fleeting.
The preceding announcement was a message from the Arcadian Censorship Authority.Â
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