[As Tucker Goode steps off the soundstage, Mr. Kleen uses his patented Mop of Justice to clean the floor. He takes a minute to make sure it’s free of shoeprints before nodding and taking a seat at center stage, laying the mop on his lap as he does.]
“Sperm is a gross, sticky, and a mess that’s rather difficult to clean. If you ever had to wash a teenager’s bedsheets while he thought of his school crush, you know what I mean.”
[He takes a short pause.]
“Worst of all, like every other waste your body produces, once it leaves your body, you can’t take it back. So if you’ve come to regret it, you can’t suddenly un-ejaculate. That simply can’t be done.”
[Kleen gestures towards Goode.]
“Like my esteemed colleague Tucker said, that’s approximately a million lives you just killed with a few strokes of your Weiner. All because you think they didn’t deserve a chance at experiencing all that life has to offer.”
[The janitor shakes his head.]
“That kind of attitude is just as disgusting as the act of masturbating. Not only are you leaving a big stain on Arcadia for no reason, but the callous attitude towards murdering future fighters against bacteria makes me sick.”
[He suddenly brings the mop up to his ear. He ‘listens’ to it for a bit before nodding and setting it back down to his lap.]
“You’re right Moppy, there is a lot of blood on the hands of these filthy degenerates. In their conquest to spread filth all across Arcadia, they’ve covered every level, especially the former Red Light District, in viscous life essence.”
[The custodial manager balls his fists.]
“With all that Death, all that former life coating the blanket that envelops us all, they’ve waged war against the entirety of the Arcadian Censorship Authority. We oppose their nasty and immoral beliefs, and we won’t let those kinds of freaks get away with their repugnant actions.”
[Kleen proceeds to slam the handle of the mop onto the stage floor and stands up, fire behind his baby blue eyes.]
“If war is what you vile murderers in Apokalypsis want, then war is what you’re going to get! You’re going to feel the wrath of our conquest against germ spreaders like yourselves and suffer a worse fate than whatever you plan on bringing to Arcadia!”
[He slams the handle of his mop into the floor again.]
“You’ve been led astray by that filthy, homeless, and monstrous shaft stroking individual! He taught you to spank the monkey in front of the masses and commit mass homicide against us Arcadians!”
[He points the Mop of Justice at the camera like a sword.]
“We’re gonna do Arcadia a favor and sterilize you in front of the crowd so you can’t shake hands with the milkman anymore. But no matter what happens out there, my hands will remain clean.”
[He proceeds to walk off stage.]
“Sorry for hurting you, Moppy.”
[With that, the scene fades to black.]
“This has been an announcement from the Arcadian Censorship Authority.”