Premature: Your Body And You

In Promo, Tucker Goode by Tucker Goode

[A big censored symbol appears on screen as we fade into the ACA’s recording stage.]

“The following message is brought to you by the Arcadian Censorship Authority.”

[Tucker Goode walks onto stage, waving at the camera and taking a knee as he begins to speak.]

“How are my abstinent Andy’s and chaste Chelsea’s doing today? I hope you’re doing well because today we need to talk about a really serious issue that might be overtaking our great Arcadia. Does anyone know what that may be?”

[Mr. Goode puts a hand to his ear, miming listening to an invisible audience.]

“That’s right! Masturbation. But, more than that, I mean the growing need for some people here in Arcadia to cause an unnecessary¬†mess¬†in our lovely levels. You see, these people I’m talking about… They simply can’t wait until marriage and as such they’re knocking at their own barn doors to try and get their fun!”

[Tucker stands up, revealing a set of barn doors on his crotch where his zipper would be.]

“Now, everyone has urges, but you need to learn how to control them before you go and make a big mistake. You may want to open those doors and just give into those bestial urges, but then you harm so many people with your impurity! Every bit of sperm spilt onto the floor and not into your wives uterus is equal to millions of possible lives!”

[He shakes his head, stroking his finger to shame them.]

“OSW and Arcadia has a huge problem with one group of would be premature men, and those men are Apokalypsis! Except instead of the barn door on their pants they’re palming at a big pair of double doors here in our own home of Arcadia. And what lies behind it? If they have their way, a big, milky, premature ejaculation that would take millions of Arcadians lives because they couldn’t help themselves!”

[Tucker points at the camera, frowning.]

“Isn’t that just selfish? Drewitt and Grimskull are just two members of their ranks who are forever pawing at the doors of their own carnal pleasure because they refuse to wait until Arcadia comes to a natural end. They don’t want a marriage of where the doors open naturally because the time has come. No, they want to force them open, grab the apocalypse by the shaft, and stroke out an early ending, a premature explosion that would take even more lives than the Red Light bomb ever did!”

[Indignant, Tucker shakes his head, moving off to the side.]

“But even if we can’t convince them to abstain from oblivion, even if they do keep ringing the devil’s doorbell, we here at the ACA are all too prepared to clean up the mess they leave behind. It may be gross, sticky, and sinful, but I know just the man for the job.”

[Tucker motions off, beckoning Mr. Kleen onto the soundstage.]

“The floor is yours, Mr. Kleen. Why don’t you tell them how we’ll clean up this mess?”

“For the greater Goode, of course.”