[The Church of Zion]
The congregation are gathered in front of the chancel, talking amongst themselves and eagerly anticipating the arrival of the Reverend, Lionel Troy.
Suddenly, a song blasts out across the building, stopping conversations in their tracks.
YOU’REEEEE. SO VAIN.
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU.
YOU’RE SOOOOO-OH VAINNNN.
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU.
DON’T YOU?
DON’T YOU?
The Lion of Zion walks out onto the stage, arms raised, waving the steel-plated Zion Text loud and proud..
The congregation clap and cheer as Zion’s Child takes a stand inside the pulpit.
“Brothers n’ sisters… I welcome you to this sacred moment where we gather to reflect upon the teachings o’ the divine n’ CONFRONT the challenges life throws our way!”
“Today, we reflect on a man whose heart is CONSUMED by the flames of self-love!”
“A narcissist in the TRUEST sense!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“Lend me your ears, good people, ‘cause narcissism ain’t just some fancy term for lovin’ yourself a little too much…”
“It’s a vile, insidious DISEASE that eats away at the soul, leavin’ nothin’ but a hollow shell o’ selfishness in its wake!”
GASP!
As the congregation turn to face one another, shaking their heads in disapproval, Troy lowers his body out of sight and takes a healthy slug of powder up his nose, winking at himself in the concealed mirror it had been previously rested on before popping back up.
“Ahem… As I was sayin’… Narcissism ain’t simply a case of admirin’ yourself in the mirror every now n’ again…”
”OH NO!”
“It’s about puttin’ yourself above ALL else at the expense o’ those around you!”
”It’s about cravin’ attention and validation like a junkie craves their next fix, n’ let me tell you, folks, it’s a path that leads STRAIGHT to ruin!”
“WHERE DOES IT LEAD, BELIEVERS!?”
RUIN!
“Now, some of you might be thinkin’: But preacher, what’s so wrong with lovin’ yourself? Isn’t that what Zion wants for me? And you’d be right…”
“In fact, the good book tells us just that: To love thy neighbour as thysef.”
“But don’t forget, good people, that the book also states that PRIDE goeth before destruction-“
“A haughty spirit before a FALL!”
SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!
“For Zion’s enemies, such as Spiros, REVEL in the admiration of others!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“They NEGLECT the needs of their brothers n’ sisters around them!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“And their love is reserved SOLELY for the one they see in the mirror each n’ every mornin’!”
OH, SAVE US LORD!
“Lo, my beloved flock, Zion URGES you to guard your hearts against such poison!”
“He PLEADS with you not to allow the claws of self-adulation to sink into your soul n’ drag you down into the depths of selfishness n’ despair!”
“Love one another as Zion loves YOU!”
”With compassion!”
COMPASSION!
“With kindness!”
KINDNESS!
“And with humility!”
HUMILITY!
“For we, Zion’s children, are the last beacon of hope n’ love in a world that has been cast into shadow, but together, brothers n’ sisters, we SHALL overcome it!”
“We WILL shine a light on Arcadia again!”
Lionel Troy holds up the Zion Text to rapturous applause.
“MAY ZION BLESS YOU ALL…”
“A-MEN!”