Arcadia Network News

In Promo by Wally Goldenrod

[The bright lights of the news studio shine perfectly on the face of Wally Goldenrod.]

Wally Goldenrod: “Welcome to Arcadia Network News!

[Cue pearly white smile.]

Wally Goldenrod: “I’m Wally Goldenrod and these are your top stories. A fat man serves lasagne in which the main ingredient could be your aunt. A lady who ate an apple craves chaos. A librarian will beat you to death if you don’t pay your late fees. A redneck doesn’t know what the D in his name stands for and a club owner that could very well be the leader of a paedophile ring. All this and more on your nine pm newscast.”

Perry: “CUT!”

[Wally’s fake smile turns into a frown.]

Perry: “You can’t say any of that, Wally. We’ve been through this, haven’t we? You can’t call a man a paedophile without any evidence.”

[He takes a cigar from his desk and lights it.]

Wally Goldenrod: “Evidence? C’mon, Vincent Hargraves looks like he’s asking children if they want to come and see his puppy. Are you telling me that I need to catfish him to report on it? I don’t want to be sexually assaulted, Perry. Are you telling me to get sexually assaulted by a fat man in a shirt three sizes too small for him? If he can’t see his dick, I don’t want to.”

Perry: “That’s not what I’m saying. Look, let’s go again and try the stories we cleared for the newscast, okay?”

[Wally puts down his cigar.]

Perry: Action!

Wally Goldenrod: “Welcome to Arcadia Network News!

Wally Goldenrod: “I’m Wally Goldenrod and these are your top stories. News Anchor Wally Goldenrod, me, is not allowed to tell you about a woman who claims fruit made her crazy. An apple a day makes her cray-cray.”

Perry: “CUT!”

[Perry rubs his forehead.]

Perry: “No.. No… No!”

Wally Goldenrod: “Fine. Let’s talk about the crimefighting enigma known as Angel.”

Perry: “Yes, let’s.”

Wally Goldenrod: “Angel is a deviant wearing woman’s make-up that prowls the levels of Arcadia to prey on the needy. Be warned, this Angel might get his white stuff on you.”


[The producer throws his headset down and storms off.]

Wally Goldenrod: “Why don’t you want the news, Perry!? What am I supposed to talk about, huh? These are important matters that the Arcadian people need to know about. No-one wants to walk an alley in the slums and get ejaculated on, Perry! No-one wants to see Vincent Hargraves imaginary puppies! Do you know how ridiculous it is that a woman claims an apple made her crave chaos? What might a Banana do, Perry?! What about a Watermelon!? Oh the humanity!”

[By now, Wally is standing and shouting.]

Wally Goldenrod: “PERRY!?”

[He’s long gone.]

[Wally sits down and looks at his sheet.]

Wally Goldenrod: “He wants me to talk about The Classic and The Elders. Pff. People don’t care about that!”

[He reads closer.]

Wally Goldenrod: “Hang on, that’s my show. I’m at The Classic. Oh Perry…. Perry… why didn’t you say so? Come back you fool, we have news to do!”

[He smiles.]

Wally Goldenrod: “PERRY!”