In Felix Foley, Promo by Felix Foley

Felix Foley: “Welcome one and all to the Foley Funhouse!

Felix Foley: “Today, boys and girls, we’re going to hear from a very special friend; his name is Old man Bertie. Old man Bertie has glaucoma and struggles to see. But being partially blind isn’t the end of the world for Bert; oh no, he has a way to fight on! Over to you, buddy.”

Old Man Bertie: “Yeah, pass the buck to me you fuckin’ shmuck.

Old Man Bertie: “You wanna know what helps me see, you blind cunt?”

Old Man Bertie: “Drugs.

Old Man Bertie: “Lot’s of fuckin’ drugs.”

Felix Foley: “Like Carrots, boys and girls.”

Old Man Bertie: “No, you dumb fuck – like fuckin’ weed and shit. That’s what works. This Vision guy is gonna be bumpin’ into things like Horny Harry the Hornet with a fuckin’ hard-on and bashin’ his dick up against your keester, Foley. You wanna offer him a carrot like he’s some kind of fuckin’ horse?”

Old Man Bertie: “He’s blind, you asshole.”

Felix Foley: “But children, what Old Man Bert means to say is that if you eat your vegetables, and in particular your carrots, you’ll be able to see better.”

Old Man Bertie: “See what – a roast dinner, you stupid prick? You want this mother fuckers gravy, is that it Foley? If you wanna beat this blind asshole, what you want is a bunch of voice recorders. Place those fuckers in all kinds of different places and play em at will.”

Old Man Bertie: “You’ll see this Vision dipshit bounding around like a dog, trying to find where the sound comes from. Fuck, you can hit him with a tin of baby carrots if it makes you feel better. At least that way you’ll get to your fuckin’ catchphrase in at the end.”

Conservator Wolfe: “Uh, Mr. Foley?”

Felix Foley: “Yes Mr. Wolfe?”

Conservator Wolfe: “I’m the conservator wolf and I was uh, thinking that, uh, you might want to know that Vision isn’t actually blind – he has no, uh, eyes I think is the word.”

Old Man Bertie: “Oh, not this fuckin’ guy.”

Old Man Bertie: “Hey conservator cunt, if he can’t fuckin’ see then he’s fuckin’ blind, alright? He ain’t got no God damn eyes. Hey Foley, will eatin’ carrots help his fuckin’ eyes grow back?”

Felix Foley: “I don’t think that’s how it works, Old Man Bertie.”

Old Man Bertie: “Tee-god damn-riffic then, ain’t it? Thank fuck conservator asshole pipped in, or you’d be serving this cunt carrots like a maid. S’pose it’d give you a chance to wear that mini-skirt you keep in your closet, that you claim belongs to the wife you ain’t never had or fucked.”

Old Man Bertie: “If you wanna beat this blind bitch, kill his blind-dog, play a game of marco fuckin’ polo and lead him into a god damn vat of carrots and water until he drowns.”

Felix Foley: “There you have it, kids – carrots are the answer.”

Old Man Bertie: “You cunt.”

Felix Foley: “If you eat your vegetables like Felix Foley, you’ll have 20/20 vision and you’ll be able to see in the dark. That brings us to Today’s Felix Feeling.”

“Poor Vision may not be able to see; but that doesn’t make him different than you and I, boys and girls. He’s still capable of many a great thing. But if he ate his carrots, he might just turn it around.”

Conservator Wolfe: “Uh, Mr. Foley?”

Felix Foley: “Yes Mr. Wolfe?”

Conservator Wolfe: “He, uh, doesn’t uh, have any eyes.”