In Promo by Chip Montana

Oi! I’m Chip Montana, and I’m grabbing nature…


And every once in a while, someone comes along and asks me, “Chip? Why do you grab nature by the balls? What’s your philosophy regarding nature, her balls, and all that kind of shit?”

Usually, I regale them with a story. A story that goes like this:

You know, when I was a boy, I was raised a Catholic. I was enchanted by the idea of God. I, and many other choir boys, were in pursuit of the promised land. We would sing and rejoice and praise the Lord, and we honestly believed that, so long as we were good little choir boys, God would protect us.

One of us, in particular, was especially Godly, in a competitive way that was annoying as shit.

If I said twenty Hail Mary’s, he said twenty-one. If I confessed my sins every day, he did it twice so. Really, he was an absolutely annoying cunt, and so were his little buddies. They started harrassing the rest of us, demanding that we worship as hard as they did, sang as loud as they did, eat the way they ate, lived the way they lived.

And if we refused, they would hold us down and torture us mercilessly.

This was, of course, compounded by the fact that are priest was a complete pervert.

Besides the fact that he often preached of Revelation, of War and crusade and impaling God’s enemies, he also liked to put on a mask, corner us choir boys, and attempt to impale us as well.

Just like in the world of animals, he picked the slowest among us. But of course, I mean the mentally slowest. Retards, I mean. Fucking morons, imbeciles, and those were the ones he chose to try and impale.

Both the do-gooder cunt and the impaler priest were sloppy about their business.

And neither one of them knew how to contend with the likes of me.

I could be as ferocious as a tiger. I could be quiet as a mouse. I could sneak like a coon and escape capture like a fly. Within my heart there lied the entire contents of the animal kingdom.

And within their hearts lied only the desire to dominate.

Soon I realized, this was the way of the world. This was the way of God. Domination.

And so these sloppy dominators would go through life trying to force themselves onto people. Trying to grab retarded kids by the balls, or non-believers.

But me?

I learned the only thing truly worth dominating was the indominable. Nature.

And when I realized I could grab her by the balls I did so and I never let go.

And now, I find myself cornered, once again by an impaler and a religious tyrant. But if they want to treat me like a retard, or a non-believer, that’s to their detriment.

Because in my heart lies the entire animal kingdom. A kingdom they could never dream of dominating.