Fatso Moses and The Vending Machine

In Felix Foley, Promo by Felix Foley

“Welcome one and all to the Foley funhouse!” 

“Tonight, I’m joined by my very good friend Fatso Moses. How’re you doing, Fatso?”


“Of course. I asked you along today to talk to the children. Are you ready?”

“You mean you bwackmailed me with a sandwich, you son of a bwitch. Yeah, I’m weady.”

“Sometwimes life is like a vending machwine.”

“Twink of a vending machwine. You’ve got all these weally cool options, wight? There’s bwack chocolate, white chocolate and gummy bwears. Then you have the swavory options. You could get some chwips. Spwicy or chweesy flavor. It doesn’t matter. You can even get dwinks of all kinds too. You want some cwoke? They got that. You want a nice woot beer? They do that too. They’re all so yummy. It’s hward to know what to pwick. You could go for something sweet or something swavory.”

“If you’re a hungwy boy, the vending machine has all you’ll ever need.”

“But you see, a vending machwine isn’t all that healthy.”

“It doesn’t weally matter what you pwick.”

“Because no matter what you pwick, whether sweet or swavory, whether chocolate or chwips, or even a dwink, the outcome is always the same.”

“You get an unhealthy snack that’ll help pwile the pounds on. It doesn’t matter what you chwoose, the outcome is always the same.”

Thanks Fatso.”

“Narcissa, your vending machine is full of fabric. There’re so many different kinds, aren’t there? You have your cottons, your silks and even some wools. Everything is organised so perfectly and you’re never short of options.”

“Whatever the design, if you need a specific fabric to make it happen, you can use your vending machine to render that product into your possession and the item gets made.”

“But the problem is, Narcissa, that it doesn’t really matter what fabric you pick, does it?”

“It doesn’t matter what design you need or end up making.”

The outcome is always the same.”

“You’re getting something that no-one cares for. Ever since Zeus banished you from the Pantheon for your crimes, you could make the greatest item of clothing that has ever been seen and there’s no-one to know it. There’s no-one paying attention.”

“Your vending machine is full of the same outcome, just like Fatso’s. It doesn’t matter what he chooses, he’s just piling on the pounds. It doesn’t matter what you choose, you’re just getting no-where.”

That leads us to Foley’s thought, children.

“The vending machine of life can be a cruel mistress. It doesn’t always offer you something better than what you have, or even a way to improve the situation you’re in. Sometimes, you need to abandon the vending machine in favor of a different option. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Don’t be like Narcissa, children.”

“Break the vending machine and move on.”