The Kleen System

In Mr. Kleen, Promo by Mr. Kleen

[We appear on the same stage that Tucker Goode was preaching abstinence on a few weeks ago. At upstage center, we see a variety of hygiene products with Mr. Kleen’s masked visage on them. The man himself is seen at stage right, holding his mop of justice and wearing an earpiece with a microphone extending to his covered mouth.]

“If you’re one of the millions of Arcadians watching this commercial right now, chances are…”

[He points at the camera, smiling smugly behind his mask.]

“…You’re filthy!”

[A picture of a common Slum dweller suddenly appears on the right hand side of our screen.]

“You look like a member of the walking dead! You smell so bad, the flies that buzz around you die from the stench you emit!”

[The image changes to that of a common showerhead.]

“I’m pretty sure you haven’t showered since you were taken out of your mother!”

[The photographs suddenly shrink away into nothing as the janitor continues to speak.]

“But don’t you worry you dirty little behind! My name is Mr. Kleen, and I’m here to help you! With my patented Kleen System, you’ll be rid of all that decaying, foul smelling filth that made its home on your body!”

[We now cut to video footage of models bathing themselves, using clever angles to hide the naughty bits that the ACA would normally censor.]

“My system has been proven to turn even the most disgusting, disease ridden corpse into a pristine, squeaky Kleen decontamination machines! But don’t just take my word for it!”

[A slideshow of random models begin to slide through our field of vision, supposedly customers that used the products that the custodial manager is advertising.]

“Take the word of all these real people that have stopped singing the blues and started singing the praises of the Kleen System!”

[We cut back to Mr. Kleen, who is now standing directly behind the products he’s supposedly selling.]

“Call the ACA headquarters right now, and you’ll be able to rid the smell of death with my Deep Kleen Body Soap! My exfoliating shampoo and conditioner! My handy Brush of Justice! And my How to Kleen Yourself VHS tapes! All for three easy payments totaling one thousand credits!”

[The janitor walks around his products to get back to center stage.]

“With these products, you’ll go from stinking up Arcadia like the Horseman of Death, to smelling quite literally like forty eight roses! If you don’t believe me, then I’ll be more than happy to demonstrate how effective they are on El Mariachi Muerte himself!”

[He laughs to himself for a second.]

“My products work so well, they’ll turn that unwashed musician into a shiny and bright beacon of life! Once he realizes how great my Kleen System works on him, he’ll trade in that guitar for a second set of my products!”

[He places his hands on his hips.]

“So get Kleened up, Singing Death! I might not like you, but Mr. Kleen says, ‘I believe in you!'”

[We cut to black and silence immediately after this line.]