In Promo by Sir Renault

I’m in a new relationship.

My ex partner was unfaithful, and when I called him out for his “holier than thou” attitude he beat me up and flew the coup.

This new guy’s a bit older, and wiser. He comes and goes a lot, and I’m not sure exactly what he does for a living. It was supposed to be a one night stand, but when he showed me his huge… collection of artifacts I decided to keep him around!

I’m a good old fashioned Christian housewife. I keep the house clean, make sure we’re both fed, and say my prayers every night.

As long as my new man brings home the goods, we’ll be a perfect match to build and protect this house together.

We met two other couples when we were out in the city who must’ve been well-acquainted by the way they were interacting.

One couple had known one another forever, having been best friends since their formative years. They had this punk rock vibe, which we dug, and oddly enough the chick kept asking to finish the dude’s meals. But something was off about them, and my intuition, as well as the dude’s pink hair, tells me that he may be in the closet.

The others were the definition of a power couple. This woman was sexy, beautiful, fiery, and wore this magnificent golden belt buckle. And the man was smart, muscular, and handsome. A real triple threat. And every time the lady would sip her red wine the man would playfully command her to call him her king!

Well after a few drinks they invited us over for a couples game night at this Slaughterhouse place. It sounded kinda dangerous, but we were intrigued because we have to admit that we are shameless champions ourselves!

Plus, we knew we had it in the bag when they told us that we would be playing charades.

So Sigil and I, we are coming to defend those tag team titles at High Voltage this weekend against two teams that are highly practiced in charades: Jet Set Radio and The Blackharts.

Ether and Tag love to pretend that they’re a cohesive unit, but they’re simply just friends at the end of the day and their insatiable appetite for food and sex respectively is stronger than their bond.

The truth about Simon is that under that exterior is a weak, manipulative man who loves to fuck with others far more than he loves to fuck his own wife. And no matter how much these two play up their appearances in public, we all know that Pyre wears the pants in their relationship, as evidenced by that belt buckle.

My faith in Yahweh has built a fortress in this House of God, and Sigil has the knowledge and the means to attack from any direction when we battle. Defense and offense, we balance each other out. For we are a unit, and we are true.

While you two teams keep on pretending, this isn’t just a game of charades for us:

This is holy war.

And we must protect this house.

Deus vult.