In Promo by Ether

“Have you ever gone to an Asian restaurant and received these flimsy ass chopsticks?”

“They’re some of the worst utensils to use in the modern day. Not only are they difficult as fuck to handle, they limit how much food you can eat at once too.”

“They might have been useful back when people didn’t have access to forks or spoons, but now they’re outclassed by both those utensils. Both of those items are commonplace just about everywhere now and nobody outside of authentic Asian establishments use chopsticks anymore.”

“Want to know why? They fucking suck! Nobody wants to perform gymnastics with their hands in order to have lunch! They want to quickly stab or scoop their meal and chow the fuck down!”

“Tenchu is a lot like chopsticks. Sure it was a useful creation back in the fifteen hundreds, but now it’s just a goddamn novelty at best.”

“Back then, there was this clan that had invaders kicking down their door and beating their shit in regularly. Since they couldn’t build an army worth a damn anymore, they decided to create a warrior that would eliminate all enemies like I devour tacos on a Tuesday.”

“Their last resort worked. All the invading forces were wiped out and peace was restored for the clan not too long after its creation. Rendered useless, it proceeded to shut down and remain that way for six hundred odd years.”

“Then some jackass descendants from that clan decided to reboot the thing for the modern era. They heard the tales of how the machine destroyed their enemies like Tag destroys pussy. They wanted a piece of the pie while the legends of it kicking ass were still fresh.”

“Problem is, people have evolved and so have their fighting styles. What worked back then definitely won’t work now.”

“I’ve seen how it performed in a wrestling ring. It fucking sucks dick! All that advanced machinery it was upgraded with can’t do shit when people like Jessie Williams could kick it’s shiny metal ass two ways from Sunday!”

“Now Jet Set Radio? We’re the forks and spoons of the wrestling world. We’re the new and improved tools of destruction that are coming to do chopstick’s job better.”

“You saw how quickly and efficiently we handled the three course meal in bMf. If Tenchu was in that ring trying to do what we did, it wouldn’t have even left a dent on the plate.”

“We’re simply quicker, deadlier, and more efficient that machine could ever hope to be. Five hundred years of technological advancements and human evolution have rendered the bot useless in this current era.”

“You hear me Tenchu? You’re nothing more than an antique living amongst modern day warriors like Jet Set Radio!”

“We’re going to pierce through your chassis with our forks and scoop out your insides with our spoons! By the time we’re through with you, you’ll be nothing more than an empty shell.”

“You’re going to fall to a hungry girl, and a hungry girl’s gotta eat!”