Eating 101

In Promo by Ether

“Alright motherfuckers, sit your asses down and shut the fuck up. I’m going to give you three tips on how to win at eating competitions.”

“It might look easy, but competitive eaters like myself are more than happy to tell you that there’s a ton of strategy involved.”

“First, it helps if you’re in shape. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but you’ll be able to eat more food when there’s less fat to hinder your stomach’s expansion. Lose that gut and you can store more food to potentially win.”

“Next, you’ll want to constantly be moving as you eat. Sitting down and meditating won’t get the food to your stomach in time for the next bit of food to enter your mouth. Stand up. Move your head up and down. Shake your body all about. Whatever helps the food get to your belly faster.”

“One more tip I can share with you is to go all out while eating. Start fast and try your best to continue that pace until the end. If you don’t, then some other fuckface will have long passed you while you’re on your fifth break.”

“Remember, don’t be a lard ass, keep moving, and eat at a rapid pace. Follow these three tips, and you won’t end up like Banzan.”

“Ring King is the eating contest to end all eating contests. The indestructible mountain over here is the least qualified to take on yours truly in a bout that prioritizes speed above all else.”

“Look at him, he’s fat, slow, and hardly moving an inch. Does anyone honestly think he stands a chance in a match that requires you to touch four corners before your opponent?”

“You might be powerful, Banzan. Hell, you’re pretty much the strongest guy in the entire roster. But that doesn’t matter when I can easily skate away from your grasp like the slow, bumbling monk you are.”

“You won’t be able to keep up with me. Not only am I as fit as a fiddle, I’m constantly moving at a speed far quicker than your own. By the time you catch up, you’ll be so tired that you’ll be begging for a break.”

“But I won’t give you one. Instead I’ll continue to skate circles around you while I eat you chunk by fatty chunk until there’s nothing of you left.”

“I’m going to make you regret ever stepping in the ring with me. You’ll be my latest meal in this eating competition known as Ring King.”

“I’ll continue to remain in shape as you sit on your ass and get fatter through meditation.”

“I’ll be moving all around you and getting my licks in while you slowly trod along and exhaust yourself trying to stop me.”

“I’ll be going going about this match guns blazing, setting the pace for the entire contest. Meanwhile, you’ll be too lax to try and catch up.”

“I’m a hungry girl, Banzan. When I finish wearing you down, this hungry girl’s gonna eat!”