Meat Shepherd

In Lionel Troy, Promo by Lionel Troy

[The First Church of Zion]

[An eager audience sits in the palm of Lionel Troy’s hand.]

“Everyone take a look at this here passage in the Zionic Texts. Book of Heirophant, Song 4, Lyric 30.”


And the Lord Zion spaketh unto the Hunters and said, “Lo. What good is a belly full of meat, if the soul hath none of my meat inside it? Thou ought hunt MY meat, not the meat of the animal, nor the flesh of the animal, nor victory, nor glory, nor pleasure, for all these hunts are the way of the Jaboo and not the way of Zion. These are the hunts for death, rather than eternal life. Hunt my meat, and shepherd the lambs to do the same.”


“Powerful words there, ain’t it?”

“See, it’s not GOOD ENOUGH to realize you’ve been hunting for the wrong things. It’s not GOOD ENOUGH to simply hunt for Zion and stuff His meat deep inside you.

“You have a responsibility to everyone else in Arcadia, to get them to stuff Zion’s meat deep down inside them, too.”

“The hunter, he looks out at the flock and sees a bunch of lambs, ripe for hunting.”

“But the Lion of Zion looks out at the flock and sees a bunch of lambs, ripe for shepherding.”

“And the poor hunter has no idea how much better his life could be.”

“Bow your heads, people.”


“Lord Father Zion, we pray to you tonight for all these folks out here who are hunting for the wrong things, confusing potential flocks for victims.”

“We pray that you lead them to me so that they can pay seven dollars a month to have their soul SAVED and start hunting for the RIGHT THING Lord Father Zion. Amen, amen, and amen!”

[Music plays Lionel Troy off stage as he walks to the back.]

[He pulls out a bag of cocaine, stuffs a straw in there, and takes a big ol’–]


“Luther Grim, you baby dick asshole. Have you heard the Good News?”

[It is clear by the nearly evil glare in his eye, and his coke-coated nostril, that he is a different man off stage.]

“I got the kinda meat you can’t hunt, son.”

“I got the kinda meat that pays you to eat it.”

“Do you see what I did to those people out there? I made them lambs.”

“My lambs. My yummy, little lamb chops.”

“Know what a Lion does when he has hundreds upon hundreds of lambs to feed him?”

“He stops hunting.”

“I know. You got a fancy, gold belt you hunted down at Red Snow.”

“Cool. I got a fancy, gold chain around my neck that I never had to hunt. Gifted to me from one of Zion’s flock.”

“My flock.”

“Without a flock, and without Zion, Luther, you’ll soon realize that in the end, the hunt will never provide you Zion’s sweet soul meat.

“You hunt for the wrong things. Because of this, you are not saved from eternal destruction.”

“But you could be.”

“Come on.”

“There’s some Good News for you to hunt down.”