Life got you down?
Feel like you’re the smartest guy around, but you just can’t shake Ol’ Teddy?
Feel like you wanna kill Theodore, but he happens to have a trump card?
Well, grab hold of Teddy O’Toole’s big bag of strawberries…
Put them in your mouth.
And suck em!
Introducing…
Strawberry Suck Itz.
Hey. Just suck itz.
Now we at CANDYLABS know all to well what it is to grind our way to the top.
You gotta have the guts.
You gotta have the strawberries.
And unfortunately, neither of you have a pair.
I recall quite distinctly just months ago, when Doom stood across from me in his own laboratory.
He knew what I had at my disposal.
And he wanted so bad to take it from me.
But… In the end…
He just didn’t have the strawberries.
But I did.
Suck Itz.
Just last week, Gravestone or whatever the fuck his name is tried to ambush me.
He tried to fuck me up.
He wanted to kill me.
But he couldn’t.
It wasn’t because of my so called “leverage.”
It was because in the end, there was only one pair of strawberries in the room.
And they were in my pants.
Not his.
Suck Itz.
See? Thanks to my newest delectable treat, the two of you can know what it’s like to have strawberries like Teddy O’Toole.
Put them in your pants for a while if you want. See what it feels like. God knows it feels good.
I’ve been walking around with strawberries in my pants from the day I was born.
How do you think I got so sweet?
But once you two weasels are done pretending like you’re me, pretending like you have a pair, pretending like you have the strawberries to do what you should and take care of business…
Pull them out of your pants. Pop them in your crooked little mouths and suck itz.
Mmmmmmmm-mmm.
Deeeeee-licious.
That taste? Why, that’s the taste of actual, real life courage on your tongue.
I know its a foreign taste for the two of you.
Introduce your uncultured, cowardly tongues to the taste of my strawberry suck itz.
See, you dont have to build a laser beam and aim it at my pants and try to suck the strawberries out of them.
You can suck them with your mouth.
You don’t have to sit around in a morgue, searching the cadavers for real strawberries (you know, since you don’t have any).
You can buy my strawberries and put them in your mouth and suck them right now.
So line up, you two.
Put them in your mouths.
Let them bust in there.
Taste that flavor. And taste that courage.
That’s the difference in a couple of losers who can’t get it done…
…and a winner who you know damn well will pull the fucking trigger.
And if anyone can show the two of you what it’s like to actually have a sack of strawberries,
The Candy Man certainly can.