Teddy’s Twelve Flavor Gum

In Promo, Teddy O'Toole by Teddy O'Toole

Chewing gum is a real hike, is it not my sweet children? Just chomping, over and over, never giving up, never surrendering. Even when your jaw is tired!  Especially when your jaw is tired!

After all, it’s about persevering, enduring, and chewing EVEN WHEN the GOOD flavor’s gone!

But what about when the flavors are BAD, hmm? What about when the flavors are meant to PUNISH you, rather than pleasure?

Such a chewing gum, one specifically designed to torment the chewer, would likely be declined by most out of fear alone.

Would you, could you, fight the fear?

Would you, could you, persevere?

Would you stand atop the mountain and scream, “I did it!”

…or would those punishing flavors be an avalanche that sends you tumbling down into the Chocolate River?


Teddy’s Twelve Flavor Gum!

Of Teddy’s Twelve Flavors, only one should be savored. The rest are insurance you have the endurance!

From the very moment that you place my new chewing gum in your mouth, you will be tested.

The flavors of death and medicine will PUNCH you right in your tastebuds! Every instinct will tell you to spit it out! Quit!!!


But you HAVE to CHEW children! CHEW through the adversity! CHEWING through the punishment is the ONLY WAY to ENDURE!!!

Only once you finally break past that first flavor, will you ever realize what you’re in for.

In each and every piece of Teddy’s Twelve Flavor Gum are extremely distinct and punishing tastes that are sure to beat your tastebuds up!

Death, Medicine, Blood, Dog Meat, Polaroid Photograph, Jamaican Food, Dead Guitar Wood, Gunpowder, Bonemeal, Rotten Teeth, and Puppet Strings.

Each and every one of these flavors have bad intentions for you. They want you to give up. They want you to quit. They WANT you to LOSE.

But how are you going to stand atop that mountain and be PROUD of your accomplishment, unless you accomplish it?

Aren’t you brave enough, my sweet and sour children?

Aren’t you strong enough?

…Then CHEW! Through each and every last one of those punishing flavors, CHEW! Through the adversity, through the pain, CHEW!

And as you pulverize those flavors and end them, you will find it’s like climbing a mountain. Each flavor, a bit of jagged rock! It HURTS! But you have to CLIMB!



Children, can you count?

I only listed eleven flavors.

The twelvth, and final flavor? The peak of the mountain top?


Championship gold.

Oh, and the flavor is just so delightful. Once you get the taste of championship gold, you WILL stand atop the mountain! You WILL scream, “I DID IT!!!” 

Because it might not seem like it my children, but championship gold?

It’s the SWEETEST taste of all.


In all of our trial testing for this new gum, hundreds of Arcadians tried it.

Only one succeeded.

Ask yourself, “who can best such a challenge, stand atop that mountain, and taste sweet, championship gold?”

The answer is obvious, children.

The Candy Man can.