Troubled Kid

In Promo by Chip Montana

Oi everyone! I’m Chip Montana! And I’m grabbing nature…



But you know what? Sometimes, nature is too young to grab by the balls. Not only is it a serious crime and the actions of a perverse lunatic, but its flat out gross. But also, sometimes, you have to kick a kid’s bloomin arse!

Now, everyone knows that kids is a term that we wildlife biologists gave to baby goats. That’s because, like human kids, they are adorable, innocent, and absolute dickheads of the highest order. Now some kids, of course, are naturally better and more well-behaved than other kids. Those kids are, admittedly, boring.

Ever put a kid on a skateboard and sent it down a hill, knowing it would crash into garage? Ever climbed up three stories and punted a kid down the stairs? Ever taped a kid to the ceiling and made it watch scary movies? No? Then mate, you haven’t lived.

One time a particularly troubled kid fell into my possession. Its mum was a cunt, and also a goat, and I don’t mean greatest of all time, unless you mean she’s one of the all-time great cunts. She bit, headbutted, and viciously attacked everyone that moved, so they sent her off to goat heaven. Its dad was never around.

Well, this kid had, overtime, become delusional as it lived with me. Started thinking that just because it was hanging out with me, it was a real man. So what if I did let it crush a few beers and watch Cops with me? It’s not my fault that when I came home, he had drank all me beers, ate me Keith Urban poser, shit me bed and had a hangover. I told the kid, “Right, that’s it. You’re not a man. If I grabbed you by the balls, I’d go to jail. So either you grow some man balls right now, or get the fuck out of me house mate.”

And now I discover that, not only is there another delusional, troubled kid in me house, probably drinking all me beers and eating all me Keith Urban posters, but the little rascal has somehow become a champion once or twice.

I mean, all these men looked this kid in its rectangle eyes and let it bite and headbutt its way to a championship?

Am I the only real man left that will actually step-up and put my foot in some delusional, baby goat’s arsehole? They actually allowed a baby goat who thinks it has travelled through time from 1987 and still watches a bunch of old shitty movies to win human wrestling matches?

Kid, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you aren’t a man. If I grabbed you by the balls, I’d go to jail. So you’ve got until you step in the ring with me to grow some man balls, or you can get out me house, mate.

Because I’m Chip Montana. And you? You’re just a troubled kid.