Unclean Meat

In Promo by Ether

“I knew an overtly religious Jewish kid that used to complain about ‘unclean meat’ that I used to eat.”

“They followed me around everywhere at school and during my food challenge days. No matter what I ate, they were always in the crowd saying that it wasn’t kosher.”

“They always had an accusation for me lined up whenever I just wanted to chow down. A hundred slices of bacon strips? I get told that the pig isn’t a cud eater and that I’m going to hell for devouring it.”

“A big, juicy half pound burger? The cow might’ve had a certain defect that my family didn’t check for and we’re going to burn for cooking and eating it.”

“It was annoying as fuck to listen to them rant and rave over something they didn’t have a stake in. They claimed that they wanted to redeem my immortal soul, but I didn’t give a shit about going to heaven.”

“I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”

“That kid reminds me a lot of a certain pair of pests in Vayikra. Those three are usually getting in people’s faces and torturing them with their nonstop sermons and attempts at crucifixion for not being without sin.”

“They find sin in just about everything though. You happen to like a certain decade a bit too much? Prepare the hammer and nails. Like to party nearly twenty four seven? Get ready to be crucified.”

“Everything we do is considered sinful and should be punished in their eyes. There’s no pleasing them unless you join their bullshit crusade to resurrect a dead God.”

“There’s a big difference between you and us, religious scumbags. We don’t need an excuse to go and kick some ass.”

“When we see someone who needs to be beaten to a pulp, we go and beat the shit out of them. We don’t do it in the name of the lord or whatever sugarcoats your actions.”

“When we knock some motherfuckers out, we don’t try to save someone’s soul in the process. We do it so they understand that Jet Set Radio aren’t people you want to fuck with.”

“You want to know what happened to the kid that kept fucking with me and trying to get me to change my ways? I smacked his teeth in so hard that he had to eat through a straw for the rest of his life.”

“The same fate will be met with you three if you try to fuck with us like you did with Rainbow Party. We aren’t a bunch of pussies that’ll take a beating laying down.”

“We’ll be all over you like sesame seeds on a hamburger bun. If you think you can scare us into being your bitches, then prepare to be disappointed.”

“We’re here for a good time, not a long time. And that good time involves sending three zealots straight to hell.”

“I’m a hungry girl, Vayikra. And a hungry girl’s gonna eat non kosher meat on Monday!”