Choice Cuts

In Promo by Ether

“There’s this butchery my family used to shop at when they wanted a nice cut of meat.”

“All the cows they used were grass fed and sourced from local farms. Everything you could buy from that shop ranged from damned good to straight up divine.”

“While there were certain cuts that were more popular than others, the man behind the counter made sure that every section of beef was in prime condition and none of it went to waste. If the cow was sick or not meaty enough, he wouldn’t use it.”

“My mom and dad usually got a thick piece of short loin. Not only could it provide the most bang for their buck, providing tens of steaks depending on the thickness, but it also produced the most delicious porterhouses imaginable.”

“Of course, when they couldn’t afford such a luxury item, they would purchase round cuts for lunchmeat and brisket cuts for some pot roast. Not exactly the greatest parts of the cow, but good enough for a quick lunch or dinner.”

“Each of us at Jet Set Radio are like different cuts of beef. We’re great together, but we can hold our own separately as well.”

“Wiz is like the brisket cut. Sure he spends a long time getting baked off his mind, but he’s also one of the most underrated talents on the roster.”

“Everyone took one look at him during his matches against Deathnote and Luke Storm and thought his ass was going to get kicked six ways from Sunday. Then he surprised everybody by proving to be too hot to handle for the both of them.”

“Tag is like the round cut. While he’s quite the ass, he’s also a great staple for any team due to his versatility.”

“He’s a guy you go to when you want a job done dependably. He’ll satisfy whatever need you have and make it snappy.”

“Girl needs fucking? Get Tag on that bitch and she’ll be swooning head over heels for him.”

“School kids need someone to entertain them? Hand him Cassandra and he’ll keep those brats on the edge of their seats.”

“But there’s an issue with you two that I just can’t ignore. You both are substitute choices for the greatest cut of all.”

“Sure the brisket is one of the more flavorful cuts of the cow, but it needs a long time to cook in low heat to get to that point. Sure the round is the more versatile of cuts, it’s also one of the toughest and most unsatisfying meats available.”

“Me? I’m the most popular and delicious cut, the short loin. Not only am I the face of JSR, but I’m also the most valuable asset to the group.”

“Without me, you two would still be peddling the skatepark selling LSD and chasing panties. Without me, there is no Jet Set Radio.”

“No hard feelings boys, but I have an image to keep heading into InVasion. So come 262, this hungry girl’s gotta eat you both!”