In Promo, Tucker Goode by Tucker Goode

Tucker Goode walks onto the ACA soundstage, a balloon in one hand and a pump in the other.

“Now, sometimes in life, you might see something that you really really want.”

He inserts the pump into the balloon, placing it on a table.

“For most of you young Abstinent Alberts out there, you might be thinking of something fun like games or a good book! But others… They have more impure thoughts. For them, what they’re craving is a bit more perverted, sinful.”

With a grunt he begins to pump air into the balloon, the limp latex object slowly swelling, throbbing to life.

“And when they see something they want so so much, well, it causes a bit of an uprising. Just look at this balloon. If you keep adding air to it, or giving it attention, it keeps getting bigger! So big in fact that it becomes a bit hard to ignore, doesn’t it?”

Tucker chuckles, letting out a little air.

“Now, the polite thing to do with an uprising like this is to ignore it and take away what’s causing those dirty, impure thoughts. Our teaching aide here gets smaller when you remove the air, and if you take it all away it’ll go right back to being flat and non-obstructive to the kind people around you.”

“Of course, not everyone is so kind.”

“Some people, like Narcissa and Jasper, they like to let their little uprising swell. But more than that, they  like to wave it around and force other people to see it! That big, long balloon just wagging in your face and making you take it all! They want the attention, it’s the air in their little balloon here.”

Gripping the balloon tightly, Tucker waves it around right up close to the camera.

“Not a fan of it being forced everywhere, are you? Shoving it where it doesn’t belong, not even giving the poor public warning but it’s forced right inside of Arcadia’s… ring. It’s shameful and without proper teaching they’ll go out of their way to show foist it on everyone else! If this little uprising isn’t quelled then it’ll only get bigger and bigger until no one could possibly ignore it.”

Tucker pumps the balloon bigger and bigger with every word, the balloon snaking out larger and larger.

“Just like sinful little fornicators who refuse to place their penis back in their pants, the uprising will do whatever it can until everyone is forced to see their oversized obtrusion. However, thankfully for Arcadia, the ACA is here to have a little word with them. For you see, there’s an answer to every uprising. Be it in your pants or in the ring.”

With a smirk, he produces a needle.

“If they refuse to ignore the objects of their excitement, then you simply chastise and educate them until they do.”


“We here at the ACA will do whatever we must to save Arcadia from this swollen, impure Uprising.”

“And we’ll do it for the greater Goode.”