In Promo by Sir Renault

Many centuries ago an aristocrat named Vlad ruled from the mountains of Wallachia and Transylvania.

An esteemed warrior, he fought and defeated many a man in battle. Showing no mercy to those he conquered, he infamously impaled thousands of his enemies on long, wooden spikes.

On top of his battleground conquests, his contemporaries cited him as possessing a mighty brain with vast, unparalleled knowledge of subjects within our domain such as history, and beyond the comprehension of most humans like alchemy.

Legend has it that this man had the strength of twenty or more men and fed off the blood of the living for sustenance. A vampire, they call him, and suggest that he may still reside in his decaying castle even today.

To this day, just how Vlad the Impaler became a demonic devil is fiercely debated. But one thing is for sure: whether or not he is a myth, just like a vampire his legend is immortal.

Three misfits who walk these hallowed Slaughterhouse halls have garnered me and my brothers’ attention this week.

The first is an ethereal woman who’s knowledge of our past is more comprehensive than any text book. Her magical tablet controls and preserves our collective fate, or so she claims.

Another is a man who is possessed by the twisted souls of twenty or more men. Moreover, those souls that reside within this man’s mask provide him with the strength of twenty or more men, and he enjoys torturing his opponents with as much intensity.

And the third is a detective, who like the first woman has incredible knowledge beyond that of most men. But this man has changed, both in appearance and demeanor, and there are claims that he only walks at night and only thirsts for blood.

Vayikra is tasked with bringing you three to the light at High Voltage, and with your impressive and diverse attributes it is easy to see how defeating you would be a tough mountain to climb, so to speak.

But you three possess one key weakness that will lead to your downfall this week.

You see, Kaine Knightlord, no matter how intelligent or wise your partner Chronoa is, and now matter how strong or sinister your other partner The Impaler is, you are the weak link of your trio.

And it’s not just because you suck blood.

Your newly-acquired detriments of being a vampire play right into our strengths.

We source our strength directly from Yahweh, and we will we expose you when the three of us cast His light upon you.

And if somehow Yahweh’s rays aren’t lethal enough to finish you off, if you are still hidden within the shadows, then Sir Vant has something special just for you.

Your fear of the cross will be on full display when we shove His big, beaded sterling silver rosary necklace right up where the sun don’t shine.

Drink up that blood of Christ, Kaine, for you shall be stuff of legend.

And that legend— just like Count Dracula and your vampire ass— will be immortal.

Deus vult.