Lion King

In Promo by Chip Montana

Oi everyone! I’m Chip Montana, and I’m grabbing nature…


By the balls!!!


Ever heard of the king of the jungle? The mighty lion, they call it. A real mean bugger to be certain. He looks out over his domain, and picks his meals doesn’t he? He wants to eat himself a gazelle? He eats a gazelle. He wants to eat himself a zebra? He eats a zebra.

Such is the nature of ruling a domain. The domain is yours to do with what you will. No one can tell you otherwise. If they try, and you’re the lion? Well, you can eat them too.

But what of the lion’s cub, hmm? The little bugger is awfully cute. Look at him. Just suckin on momma’s titty, and eating papa’s leftovers. The lion’s cub knows very little of his papa’s work. He knows very little of what it takes to rule his domain. Over the course of time, the lion will eventually prepare his cub to rule that very domain. Prepare the little tyke to be the lion king. And when the lion is ready, he steps away, and lets his cub wear the crown.

However, suppose one day that the lion went and had himself yet another meal. Four doves, he ate. For no reason at all. The doves were hardly a prize. They were innocent little birds, barely capable of surviving the cruel world they were thrust into at birth.

But one of those doves, believe it or not, had an uncle who cared for it deeply. And then, one day, the lion’s cub stumbled into his neck of the jungle.

What’s to stop the old uncle bird from pecking that little baby lion cub’s fucking eyes out, mate?

What’s to stop the old uncle bird from killing the lion cub, just as his father had done to his nephew?

Seems to me, Deathnote, that this is a question you should be asking yourself.

Your father has ruled the domain of death for a very long time. He has looked out across these jungles and, when he felt hungry, taken the life of anyone he chose.

And you, and your little fucking book, have only done bits and pieces of your old man’s dirty work. You know nothing of what it’s like to rule the entirety of his domain. You just pick at his leftovers.

And your father? He took the lives of four of the sweetest young men who ever lived. For no fucking reason. Innocent boys, mate. Nothing more.

And me nephew was one of them.

Now, you step in me corner of the jungle and you expect nothing will happen to you? You expect no vengeance will be taken on behalf of your father’s actions?

I’ve heard men say they are not responsible for the actions of their father.

But Chip Montana doesn’t give a flying fuck, mate.

He’s gonna grab you by your teeny, tiny lion cub balls, and dominate you.

Because you aren’t the Lion King.

You’re just his titty-sucking cub.