Light Bulb

In Promo by Chip Montana

Hi! I’m Chip Montana! And I’m grabbin’ nature…

By the balls!

Now, I’m sure you’re asking yaself, “Self, why is Chip Montana dressed like a light bulb?” Well, I’m dressed like a light bulb, because I’m tryin to catch one of the most dumb ass creatures on God’s green earth!

Look at this little caterpillar. He’s a fuckin baby! Now sure, compared to other caterpillars, he’s extremely tough, sure. Just look at him wrestle around that other caterpillar there! He’s a feisty bugger!

Hell, compared to the other little guy’s he’s fighting with, he’s a fucking Olympian! But watch what happens when I place him near a real killer, like this spider here!

Crikey! That spider just ate him up and shit him out its little spider arsehole!

Nature can be a terrible place, mate. It’s a veritable slaughterhouse at times.

Moment of silence for the caterpillar…

Anyway, to avoid a terrible and painful end, these caterpillars will need to harden. They’ll need to evolve.

Because nature is nothing for a caterpillar but a place of danger and betrayal. The caterpillar is too soft to handle it.

So in order to harden and evolve, this little bugger has to cocoon itself.

An instinctual process for the caterpillar. Many of them will emerge as butterflies. Decorated, useful, and a favorite of everyone.

But others…

Like this one here? Well… It becomes one of the most worthless pieces of shit in the entire world.

A moth.

Moths are drawn to light like women are drawn to money, mate. The more light you have, the more likely you are to get more moths than you know what to do with.

And yet, moths dwell in darkness. Their kind does not fair well in the sun, for they are too exposed to survive.

This poor little bugger could have been something special. Something decorated.

But it was the kind of caterpillar destined to be a moth instead.

Bashing its brains out against a light, leaving its blood and guts all over it — despite the fact that the light does not care.

And by the time the sun rises to expose it, its either dead or lives on to bash its brains out against it the following night.

After all, the moth needs darkness and light.

And nothing has more of those than religion.

Look at it bashing its brains in. Little Bible thumper, that one. Crikey, this absolute dumb ass honestly believes that the light shines for it.

It honestly believes that if it could just get its grubby little mouth on that light, it could drink its fill.

But nary a light that glows has any feelings at all.

It is as uncaring and cruel as the night it shines bright in.

After all, just look at how much blood and guts has been spilled for that light.

And now, back to me. I’m dressed like a lightbulb. Why? I’m trying to catch a moth. And by the time me hunt is over, I’ll be covered in blood and guts.