In Promo by The Impaler

Before I donned the mask, before Impaler, and before… Legion, I was a missionary. I was young and bought into the idea of helping the world. On one such travel I went to a village just outside a jungle. Digging ditches, helping establish irrigation, and showing them ways to rotate crops.

During my time there my fellow missionaries came across an orangutan, they called him Semore. Now this great ape was so manipulative it would act cute in front of the rest of the missionaries to the point they would feel at ease, like it was a pet.

However, little did they know it was a ploy to take their food while they weren’t looking and feed its own fat orangutan gut. By the time Semore had its fill half of their meals would be gone, and they would be complaining hours later about their empty bellies.

Then one day while we were mapping terrain, we came across Semore. He was on the ground wheezing, whimpering, and near death. Coiled around him a thirteen-foot-long anaconda squeezing his body.

A few missionaries attempted to save Semore, but it only led to the sound of Semore’s ribs snapping as the snake coiled tighter. Until, Semore gasped his last.

In the treacherous and wild jungle of Old School Wrestling there are many smart and wily creatures. They have adapted to survive in a world where at any moment, someone can and will end you.

Many have taken to ingratiating themselves to their enemy just to look for the place to put to steal their food, or should I say put the poison.

Isn’t it right Simon? You think because you can manipulate the world and people around you it entitles you to the food from their table.

Well, here’s the thing Taskmaster, there is a snake lying in wait for you. One which will wrap around your throat and squeeze until your eyes roll into the back of your head, your face goes purple, and the veins in your head bulge as they struggle to get blood to your conniving brain.

demon snake which will stretch your chest to the point each breath you take becomes more and more metallic tasting. All the while your vision becomes blurry, your breath becomes ragged, and you pray that your next gasp won’t be your last.

That snake lying in wait for you Simon, is me, it is Legion, it is the Multitude, and the Many. You will have to deal with the snake that convinced Eve and Adam to eat the fruit of knowledge and sacrifice paradise. Your mental machinations will hold no sway over us, they hold no strength over Legion. Meaning that you hold no sway over Impaler.

Simon, your time is over, much like Semore you’ve been so well fed that you think you’re untouchable. This week you learn a very valuable lesson, no one is untouchable. This week you will try to gasp the words, “Simon says… I quit”. If you haven’t passed out before then.