In Promo by Ether

“A restaurant I used to frequent was looking for a new chef after the last one they had fucking quit on them.”

“A friend of mine, eager to impress me, applied for the position so he could see me more often.”

“At the time, I was mighty impressed. I had no idea he could cook, let alone fast enough to work at a restaurant.”

“So he ended up getting the job due to a lack of other applicants. I appeared as a customer on the first day of his job to see just how he’d do in a high pressure environment.”

“Turned out he didn’t do well. He lied about the skills he had to the restaurant owner and somehow managed to fool everyone, including me, that he had what it took.”

“When the time came to put his skills to the test, he ended up bumbling around in the kitchen, burning food, and generally making an ass out of himself.”

“It wasn’t any surprise that he ended up getting fired for his massive fuck ups. He ended up moving away from town out of embarrassment and I haven’t seen him since.”

“Does that sound familiar to you, Lucy? It should, because I basically described what you’ve done to get into this federation.”

“You call yourself an angelic assassin, yet all we’ve seen you kill are defenseless homeless people. They’re easy targets for your common thug to beat to death.”

“Killing a few of them doesn’t make you an angelic assassin. It makes you an asshole and a psychopath.”

“I figured you’d redeem yourself in the ring, putting all your assassin training to good use, yet all I saw out of you were pitiful performances that resulted in you getting your ass handed to you on a silver platter.”

“Don’t give me that shit about you beating that hunk of junk samurai either. Literally everyone and their fucking grandmothers could beat the shit out of that thing without even trying.”

“You had your chance to impress me with your skills, yet you proceeded to piss it all away by getting your ass whopped by the entire roster and cementing yourself as a lackey for that bitch of a detective.”

“Go ahead, try and prove me wrong. Try and beat me senseless in the middle of the Slaughterhouse. I already know you won’t. You’ll bumble around the ring and make an ass out of yourself and your profession.”

“I’ll be joining the very long list of people that beat your ass to oblivion come Fuck the World. I’m not lying when I say that you’ll be the next meal to be served to me with a side of fries and a coke.”

“The crowd won’t see me wandering around the ring, confused about what I’m supposed to do. They won’t see me making a joke of Jet Set Radio by eating the pin.”

“They’re going to see me devour a vampire like a hungry girl should. And a hungry girl’s got to eat!”