You Got a Friend In Me

In Promo by Tag

“Ever seen Toy Story? Preferably all of them?”

“Come on, I know you’ve definitely seen it. Buzz and Woody? Things you’d name your dildos but also your cowboy and astronaut?”

“The plot is simple, but it’s pretty sad too.”

“See, a kid named Andy has a  whole bedroom full of toys that can totally fuckin’ talk. Never to him, of course, but they can fuckin’ talk.”

“Now, Andy, he loves his toys more than life itself. He styles his room after them, takes care of them, and rushes home every day to care for them.”

“He’s obsessed, right?”

“And as the movies go, he does everything to get those toys back into his hands.”

“Never realizing that his toys are holding him back.”

“See, it takes three movies for him to realize that those toys he loves so much? The fact that he can’t let them go is stunting his emotions, man.”

“They’re his only friends, what would he be without them?”

“The toys are the same way, they love Andy like he loves them.”

“But in the third movie? They both realize he’s grown up. He needs to ditch the toys and move on.”

“If he didn’t he’d be a kid forever.”

“See, SeeSaw, you’re a lot like Andy… you’re fuckin’ named Andy too, aren’t ya?”

“I see you, man. Watching you walk around the Slaughterhouse is like watching an R-rated Toy Story as you go around trying and failing to make any friends that aren’t already in toy form.”

“Everyone you meet is scared of you, terrified of the man who plays with toys well into his thirties, the clown faced fuck who wants to make you his friend weather you want to or not.”

“It’s scary, man. You’re a grown man, but you ain’t grown at all.”

“There’s still a scared little kid up there not wanting to part with his toys, isn’t there?”

“Holding onto your crash test dummy, snuggling that fugly head up against blood filled teddy bears. Not even your own family wants you.”

“And anyone who shows you the slightest kindness gets either pushed away or turned into a toy.”

“Because toys can’t run away from you.”

“And if they can’t run away, you and those plastic corpses get to be friends forever!”

“It’s sadder than Toy Story Three, and that shit made me tear up.”

“See, what’s gonna happen when me and Wiz meet you and ball tugger in the ring? We’re gonna do what needs to be done to a dude like you.”

“We’re gonna pull a Toy Story Three.”

“Ripping toys outta your arms left and right, tossing them aside until the only thing left is a grown ass man named Andy who needs to move on.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll help ya, man. Maybe once those toys are tossed away, we’ll get you some adult toys and adult friends.”

“But until then?”

“You can put your head between my legs and kiss your win goodbye.”